I'm on a roller coaster ride and I want it to stop so that I can get off. Seriously. I am more than ready to be done.
I need prayers. Chris and I have been talking a million times this week, there have been lots of tears, and I've laid my heart out to Chris and God that I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I know I will and I won't give up, but I just need many prayers that God will sustain me in this wait.
We have heard practically nothing from our social worker since our failed adoption. On top of that, we have heard nothing from any grants either. It's like our adoption and grants have gone silent. I'm not liking silent.
Basically our adoption journey has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and I'm not sure how much I can handle anymore. Just pray.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
An Open Letter To God
Dear God,
Sometimes I just don't understand. I don't understand why you have chosen us to be the couple that has to wait forever to adopt. Why did we have to have a failed adoption? Why has it been almost two years and still no babe in our arms?
Sometimes I just don't understand. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I just want to scream.
Sometimes I just want to hold that babe in my arms so badly I can almost feel it. I often dream about the babe Lord. Or even find myself almost mistakenly calling out for the baby while getting ready to go somewhere. As in, "Chris, you have _______ right?".
You do understand how long two years is right Lord? That we don't want to have to go through this another year, but yet feel so strongly in our hearts that we are to keep going until he/she is in our arms? You do understand that each day my heart feels like it is breaking in two waiting?
How much longer God? It's the only thing I really want to know, feel like I need to know. I don't know if my heart can handle much more Lord. I hurt. I want this to be over with. Sigh...I don't know Father...I just don't know.
Please God right now I just need a glimmer, just a glimmer of hope. Anything to know that you still truly care, that we are where you want us to be, and most of all that I can keep doing this.
A year from now I'll watch as my tan little baby takes his/her first steps and know that you had us wait just for him/her and that it was worth every single tear. I'll know that you do restore the years the locusts have eaten. But now, right now, I'm having hard time seeing through the fog.
Sometimes I just don't understand. I don't understand why you have chosen us to be the couple that has to wait forever to adopt. Why did we have to have a failed adoption? Why has it been almost two years and still no babe in our arms?
Sometimes I just don't understand. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I just want to scream.
Sometimes I just want to hold that babe in my arms so badly I can almost feel it. I often dream about the babe Lord. Or even find myself almost mistakenly calling out for the baby while getting ready to go somewhere. As in, "Chris, you have _______ right?".
You do understand how long two years is right Lord? That we don't want to have to go through this another year, but yet feel so strongly in our hearts that we are to keep going until he/she is in our arms? You do understand that each day my heart feels like it is breaking in two waiting?
How much longer God? It's the only thing I really want to know, feel like I need to know. I don't know if my heart can handle much more Lord. I hurt. I want this to be over with. Sigh...I don't know Father...I just don't know.
Please God right now I just need a glimmer, just a glimmer of hope. Anything to know that you still truly care, that we are where you want us to be, and most of all that I can keep doing this.
A year from now I'll watch as my tan little baby takes his/her first steps and know that you had us wait just for him/her and that it was worth every single tear. I'll know that you do restore the years the locusts have eaten. But now, right now, I'm having hard time seeing through the fog.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
I'll wait
Sorry for my long extended absence from blogging here. It's been hard for me to blog as I kept asking myself, "Where do I go from here? What could I possibly say Lord that could help someone?". Nothing new was going on with us, and we still sit here and wait.
As I have mentioned before, the thought of waiting is suffocating at times. I don't like it one bit. Yet I have no choice but to wait on God. I also realize through that waiting that God can and does speak to me. I've relied on Him and trusted Him through this adoption process possibly WAY more than I ever have my whole life. If I hadn't had to wait, God would not have stretched me and grown me into the woman of God I am today.
Sometimes, I look up in the sky and wonder how much more waiting Lord? I dream of this summer holding another baby who doesn't have the same color of skin as I do in my arms, all while watching my older two blonde haired girls splash in the pool. It makes me smile quietly; for one day my dream will be fulfilled. But for now I wait, and ask God to strengthen me in the wait. To fill me with a faith I've never had before. To be real in a way I couldn't possibly ever dream of.
All because I said I'll wait.
As I have mentioned before, the thought of waiting is suffocating at times. I don't like it one bit. Yet I have no choice but to wait on God. I also realize through that waiting that God can and does speak to me. I've relied on Him and trusted Him through this adoption process possibly WAY more than I ever have my whole life. If I hadn't had to wait, God would not have stretched me and grown me into the woman of God I am today.
Sometimes, I look up in the sky and wonder how much more waiting Lord? I dream of this summer holding another baby who doesn't have the same color of skin as I do in my arms, all while watching my older two blonde haired girls splash in the pool. It makes me smile quietly; for one day my dream will be fulfilled. But for now I wait, and ask God to strengthen me in the wait. To fill me with a faith I've never had before. To be real in a way I couldn't possibly ever dream of.
All because I said I'll wait.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
1 Week, 1 Day
I can hardly believe it has been 1 week and 1 day since we found out. It had to be the slowest, and yet fastest week all in one. My mind is still having a hard time grasping how it can be over with so quickly. We got a call last Wednesday at about 1 p.m. saying that "R" was going to sign and congrats, only to be called back about three hours later to hear that it fell through. Life changed in an instant, and just like that, our "child" was gone. Until the day I die, I will pray for "R" and wonder about the baby. With tears in my eyes, and with my heart breaking, I know it is the will of God and that His timing is perfect, but it does still hurt.
Perhaps the hardest thought for me is jumping back into waiting. I hate waiting. I am literally physically sick of waiting. It means ups and downs emotionally, and going days, possibly even weeks without any new news. If I start to think about it too much, I feel suffocated at the thought of how long it could be. If you would all please pray that God could lift that heaviness, I would really appreciate it. It seems so heavy and really hard for me to take at times.
While we wait, I go back to praying for the child that is to be ours, the birthmom, our girls, and us. I pray that God would prepare all of us in every aspect. God obviously has an incredibly special baby just for us and there has to be reasons on why He has us wait even longer. So I pray for God to fulfill in our lives, or the baby, or the birthmom, those reasons.
Perhaps the hardest thought for me is jumping back into waiting. I hate waiting. I am literally physically sick of waiting. It means ups and downs emotionally, and going days, possibly even weeks without any new news. If I start to think about it too much, I feel suffocated at the thought of how long it could be. If you would all please pray that God could lift that heaviness, I would really appreciate it. It seems so heavy and really hard for me to take at times.
While we wait, I go back to praying for the child that is to be ours, the birthmom, our girls, and us. I pray that God would prepare all of us in every aspect. God obviously has an incredibly special baby just for us and there has to be reasons on why He has us wait even longer. So I pray for God to fulfill in our lives, or the baby, or the birthmom, those reasons.
Friday, March 19, 2010
On Our Hearts
I remember once reading years ago on a message board a message from a woman who had a failed adoption and how her heart was breaking. I remember asking myself how it could possibly break when the child was never hers? I wasn't being judgemental or critical of her, just questioning how it could be possible. I now know how it is possible.
It's possible because despite trying to guard your heart in adoption, you do dream, you plan, and think of how everything will come together with a new baby in your life. Throughout the day, I often think what it would have been like to see Mer be a big sister, or how Z would have handled a new baby a year after she first got the privledge of being a big sister. I dream of what that baby would look like and I wonder if it is being well taken care of now. Is the baby being loved like it would have been here? So many unanswered questions. Yet, we still have a peace.
As much as I would love to hide in my house and just curl up in a ball and cry, I can't. I have two beautiful little girls who are with me and who need me to still be mama. They make me smile through my tears. How could they not when they look like this?
Even though my heart aches, I have to move on. Moving on is part of the process that I don't really like. I invested so much time, emotion, money (for the letters we sent out), and energy into the last month only to have it all disappear in a one minute phone conversation. The question is how do I move on? How can I start the waiting process all over again? The biggest question is probably going to be how do I ever show excitement again when we do get matched? Do we even tell anyone, or just hide it out of fear of once again a failed adoption?
One thing I do want to say about our adoption right now is a sincere thank you to those who financially supported us. Whether that was years ago, right now, or somewhere in the middle, we have greatly appreciated it. When we sent out this last letter, we did so knowing that even if God chose not to let us adopt that baby, He did have one for us, and any support has provided a way for us to eventually bring our child home. I have had many mention to me that they only could give $20, or $10. Please do not for one minute think of any amount as an only. For it is not an only, instead it is a vessel. A vessel to not only touch our lives and that of our child, but to touch the birthparents, socials workers, legal forces, and those who read my blog who don't even "know" us. So thank you. We are so very sorry that the money could not have gone to this child, but know that it is being put into our adoption fund and that all money is used directly and only for our adoption.
So keep praying and believing with us friends. For one day, we will have completed this journey and be able to share the wonderful news with you that our child is no longer just on our hearts, but in our home.
*Photo of Zoelle, by Ana Cole Photography
It's possible because despite trying to guard your heart in adoption, you do dream, you plan, and think of how everything will come together with a new baby in your life. Throughout the day, I often think what it would have been like to see Mer be a big sister, or how Z would have handled a new baby a year after she first got the privledge of being a big sister. I dream of what that baby would look like and I wonder if it is being well taken care of now. Is the baby being loved like it would have been here? So many unanswered questions. Yet, we still have a peace.
As much as I would love to hide in my house and just curl up in a ball and cry, I can't. I have two beautiful little girls who are with me and who need me to still be mama. They make me smile through my tears. How could they not when they look like this?
Even though my heart aches, I have to move on. Moving on is part of the process that I don't really like. I invested so much time, emotion, money (for the letters we sent out), and energy into the last month only to have it all disappear in a one minute phone conversation. The question is how do I move on? How can I start the waiting process all over again? The biggest question is probably going to be how do I ever show excitement again when we do get matched? Do we even tell anyone, or just hide it out of fear of once again a failed adoption?
I have felt so loved with the comments I have gotten on facebook, twitter, message boards, or in real life. Comments of love and understanding of the hurt. My feelings are all over the place. I'm sad, yet at peace with the decision made. I'm excited to find out who God really has for us, and yet I don't want to have to wait again (I'm truly sick of the waiting). I think the biggest feeling I have though is that I don't want people to forget we are adopting. I don't want people to stop asking about it, as if it is taboo. I want to talk about it. I might not want to go into all the details, but I do want to talk.
One thing I do want to say about our adoption right now is a sincere thank you to those who financially supported us. Whether that was years ago, right now, or somewhere in the middle, we have greatly appreciated it. When we sent out this last letter, we did so knowing that even if God chose not to let us adopt that baby, He did have one for us, and any support has provided a way for us to eventually bring our child home. I have had many mention to me that they only could give $20, or $10. Please do not for one minute think of any amount as an only. For it is not an only, instead it is a vessel. A vessel to not only touch our lives and that of our child, but to touch the birthparents, socials workers, legal forces, and those who read my blog who don't even "know" us. So thank you. We are so very sorry that the money could not have gone to this child, but know that it is being put into our adoption fund and that all money is used directly and only for our adoption.
So keep praying and believing with us friends. For one day, we will have completed this journey and be able to share the wonderful news with you that our child is no longer just on our hearts, but in our home.
*Photo of Zoelle, by Ana Cole Photography
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
At Peace
It is with saddened, yet at peace hearts that we tell you that our adoption fell through. It is such an odd feeling to be sad yet at peace. It was our prayer though that if this baby was not meant to be ours, that the papers would not be signed and that in it, we would have peace. God answered those prayers and for that we are grateful.
We are also extremely grateful for our wonderful friends and family who all came together to support us in prayer, finances, and uplifting words. Without that, we don't think we could have gotten thru the last 24 hours.
These next few hours, days, weeks will be a challenge for us as we were deeply emotionally involved and are quite shocked about it all. They say that having a failed adoption feels like losing a child. We're not sure if this is what it feels like or not, but we do know that there is still a hole in our family that is waiting to be filled.
We ask that you uphold us in prayer as we are still choosing to move forward with adoption and just know that God has the perfect timing and child for us.
We are also extremely grateful for our wonderful friends and family who all came together to support us in prayer, finances, and uplifting words. Without that, we don't think we could have gotten thru the last 24 hours.
These next few hours, days, weeks will be a challenge for us as we were deeply emotionally involved and are quite shocked about it all. They say that having a failed adoption feels like losing a child. We're not sure if this is what it feels like or not, but we do know that there is still a hole in our family that is waiting to be filled.
We ask that you uphold us in prayer as we are still choosing to move forward with adoption and just know that God has the perfect timing and child for us.
This Is Our Prayer
Birthmom has not signed yet and from what we know, she is legally able to now that it has been 48 hours from birth. We have a specific prayer request for all of you.
Please pray that if this child is not meant to be ours, that God would stop "R" from signing papers. If this child is meant to be ours, that money, circumstances, etc. would be no object and that she would sign so that we know this is our child.
Thank you for the kind words, encouragement, and love!! We SO appreciate it. We will keep you updated!!
Please pray that if this child is not meant to be ours, that God would stop "R" from signing papers. If this child is meant to be ours, that money, circumstances, etc. would be no object and that she would sign so that we know this is our child.
Thank you for the kind words, encouragement, and love!! We SO appreciate it. We will keep you updated!!
