Friday, April 23, 2010

Roller Coaster

I'm on a roller coaster ride and I want it to stop so that I can get off. Seriously. I am more than ready to be done.

I need prayers. Chris and I have been talking a million times this week, there have been lots of tears, and I've laid my heart out to Chris and God that I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I know I will and I won't give up, but I just need many prayers that God will sustain me in this wait.

We have heard practically nothing from our social worker since our failed adoption. On top of that, we have heard nothing from any grants either. It's like our adoption and grants have gone silent. I'm not liking silent.

Basically our adoption journey has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and I'm not sure how much I can handle anymore. Just pray.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

An Open Letter To God

Dear God,

Sometimes I just don't understand. I don't understand why you have chosen us to be the couple that has to wait forever to adopt. Why did we have to have a failed adoption? Why has it been almost two years and still no babe in our arms?

Sometimes I just don't understand. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I just want to scream.

Sometimes I just want to hold that babe in my arms so badly I can almost feel it. I often dream about the babe Lord. Or even find myself almost mistakenly calling out for the baby while getting ready to go somewhere. As in, "Chris, you have _______ right?".

You do understand how long two years is right Lord? That we don't want to have to go through this another year, but yet feel so strongly in our hearts that we are to keep going until he/she is in our arms? You do understand that each day my heart feels like it is breaking in two waiting?

How much longer God? It's the only thing I really want to know, feel like I need to know. I don't know if my heart can handle much more Lord. I hurt. I want this to be over with. Sigh...I don't know Father...I just don't know.

Please God right now I just need a glimmer, just a glimmer of hope. Anything to know that you still truly care, that we are where you want us to be, and most of all that I can keep doing this.

A year from now I'll watch as my tan little baby takes his/her first steps and know that you had us wait just for him/her and that it was worth every single tear. I'll know that you do restore the years the locusts have eaten. But now, right now, I'm having hard time seeing through the fog.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I'll wait

Sorry for my long extended absence from blogging here. It's been hard for me to blog as I kept asking myself, "Where do I go from here? What could I possibly say Lord that could help someone?". Nothing new was going on with us, and we still sit here and wait.

As I have mentioned before, the thought of waiting is suffocating at times. I don't like it one bit. Yet I have no choice but to wait on God. I also realize through that waiting that God can and does speak to me. I've relied on Him and trusted Him through this adoption process possibly WAY more than I ever have my whole life. If I hadn't had to wait, God would not have stretched me and grown me into the woman of God I am today.

Sometimes, I look up in the sky and wonder how much more waiting Lord? I dream of this summer holding another baby who doesn't have the same color of skin as I do in my arms, all while watching my older two blonde haired girls splash in the pool. It makes me smile quietly; for one day my dream will be fulfilled. But for now I wait, and ask God to strengthen me in the wait. To fill me with a faith I've never had before. To be real in a way I couldn't possibly ever dream of.

All because I said I'll wait.