Sunday, March 16, 2014

He Makes All Things Beautiful....

4 years ago today a little boy was born to a woman whose name begins with "R". He was supposed to be ours. We were to have a son. A little boy. Which was strange because we felt like God had given us a girl name, and we had a vision of a daughter, but then we thought maybe we saw that wrong??

On March 17th, my world came crashing down around me in a way I never expected. The son I thought I would be holding in my arms became someone else's son.

And the world moved on while I lay in bed unsure of how I would survive the future without this little boy. No one outside of my husband really knew the utter pain and sadness I was in, knowing I had lost a son.

Today he is 4. Perhaps running through the beautiful Texas sunshine. Making a mess of his little hands and face as he digs into his birthday cake. Surely, being loved on by his parents. The ones meant for him all along.

I still wonder about him and wish that somehow I could convey to his parents how thrilled I am that they were the ones who were chosen to be his daddy and mama.

Of course, I always think of her, "R", the brave woman who had to make a decision she didn't want to make that day. She chose them and I wonder if she had her doubts. Doubts that she was doing the right thing, doubts that even though she originally chose us, were they really who she should have chose? I wonder if she knows him and has been able to see him like she wanted? Most of all, I wonder if she knew how much it killed me that day to not be able to give her everything she wanted?

I may never know the answer to those questions. I may never know who exactly "R" is, or even who that sweet little boy is. But I do know this, not a day has gone by in 4 years that I haven't thought of them. I've written about the loss several times over the years. I've prayed for both "R", the little boy, and his parents many times.

Ultimately, I've learned that God makes all things beautiful in His time.

Have you recently known someone who had a failed adoption? Check out this short post that I wrote on how to help someone who is going through one.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

On Loss With Adoption

Hi blog world! It's been awhile! I actually wrote this post a few months ago and then held it close to my heart, unsure if I wanted to share something so personal to me, and especially to her. Ultimately, I decided to share because I want to be honest in all aspects of adoption. Although I don't post very often, I still have hundreds of hits on this blog every month. I also often get e-mails asking me questions about how adoption works, which agency we used, more information on how we adopted debt free, and also questions on post adoption life. At the beginning of our journey, I promised to be honest in all aspects of our adoption, and loss is a big part of that. However, I also value my daughter and believe that her journey is hers to tell, so much of her story I hold close to my heart. I ask that you please be cautious in your response. It's easy to read a blog and to respond without thought of the feelings behind the other side of the screen. But I assure you she & her feelings are real and I am too, and lately, our hearts have been hurting.

This girl! Her smile captures all of our hearts!

She's 3.5 today.

Time has flown by faster than I ever could have imagined.

I'm still convinced that adoption is one of the most beautiful things ever.

3.5 years later, I'm fully aware that adoption also brings loss.

Lately, we have been feeling that loss more than ever before.

Just because Xiomara came to us at two days old doesn't mean she doesn't experience loss. She does. It has never been more evident than lately. Through tears, and lots of talking about her birth mom. Her heart has been breaking and so has ours.

One day, while I was making supper in the kitchen, she was quietly playing in her room with her sound machine. We always keep it on a white noise, so I was surprised to hear her going thru different sounds on her sound machine, something we have never done before. She came to the heartbeat sound and out of her mouth was a gasp and then words that broke my heart, "I love that sound. It's my favorite. That was from when I was a baby with my birthmom." She listened to that sound over and over. Tears came from my eyes. My baby was experiencing a loss that was never more known than at that moment.

My mama heart breaks.

For my daughter and the loss that she has. I wish with all my heart that she didn't have to experience that loss. I want to cry out for her. No 3.5 year old should ever have to experience a loss this great. It doesn't seem fair. I wish I could take the pain of that loss away. But I know that is not a possibility. So instead, I hold her through her tears and cry some of my own.

My greatest joy has been her greatest loss. As my heart beats with hers, it becomes my greatest loss too. I grieve with her. I hurt for her.

Adoption is beautiful. Adoption is loss. Adoption is love all around.