Saturday, July 18, 2015

5 Years Ago Today {A Letter & A Look Back}

I wrote the following post to publish on July 8th (the day we met Xiomara & J), but it didn't feel right to post that day. It was all too painful, and I just couldn't post it then. Today I feel stronger. Today is also 6 months since J passed away. 6 months ago today, I lost one of the most precious and important people in my life. I didn't think I'd ever write publicly to her again, but I have all these thoughts and feelings and nowhere for them to go without my words. So here I sit tonight and blog these thoughts to her even though I know she won't really hear them. Somehow I pray God will give her a small glimpse of my heart from heaven.


"I don't think I can do this."

Those were the words that I barely choked out to my husband one night not too long ago when the girls were all asleep and he was drifting off himself.

"Do what?", he asked.

"Live without her for the rest of our lives. Never seeing her, never talking to her, never knowing she is ok. I just can't. I honestly have no idea how I am going to survive without her."

Yet I've somehow survived since then. Some days it was barely surviving, others it was thriving.

5 years ago today I met J face to face. Our tears mingled together as she gently handed her sweet daughter to me. In that moment I became mama to this amazing little girl we all love.

1 year ago today was the last time I ever heard from J. I remember exactly where I was when the phone call came in. We were camping & Xiomara was napping in the camper while the girls were swimming with Chris, and I was reading a book while waiting for Xiomara to wake up. My phone rang and I saw it was a call from Georgia, I knew I had to answer. It was her agency letting me know that they had received a call from J and that she wanted an update on Xiomara.

I sent that update as soon as I got home. Filled with pictures, a letter, and I believe a scribbled drawing from Xiomara.

It would be the last time I ever heard from her. I have since found out she did get that update and that she loved seeing the pictures of how much Xiomara has grown, and she loved hearing all about her.

1 year later and I would give anything to be able to send an update today.

My heart always breaks a little on this day. It has since the second I watched J walk down a long church hallway sobbing and barely able to stand as she left a piece of her heart in my arms. But this year, this year is just hard. My baby girl is 5 and the one woman who I want to celebrate with is not here to see it.

It seems so unfair. It seems wrong.

Life will continue to move on with out her, and we will grieve differently than we are today. One day I know the hurt won't be so strong and I'll be able to tell Chris, "I think I can do this".

To J,

I used to look at the moon and stars and think of you. I knew we were under the same moon and stars and somehow that kept us connected no matter how many miles apart we were. The lyrics to Ecosmith's song, Bright, reflect so well how I often felt looking up into the sky.

"Did you see that shooting star tonight? Were you dazzled by the same constellation?"

I remember when during one of our phone calls you asked us if we ever saw the Aurora Borealis as that was something you always wanted to see. When I told you yes, but it was rare, you prayed one day Xiomara would have the chance. Oddly enough a few weeks ago, I came across this amazing artist who was having a sale on her pictures. I fell in love with this one as she somehow captured those Northern Lights in a picture over Georgia.

Print Found Here
Once I get it framed it will hang proudly in our little girl's room. It was literally days after I received this picture in the mail that for the first time in 7 years, I saw the Northern Lights. I'm kicking myself for not waking up Xiomara when I saw them, but I have a feeling she will get her chance when the timing is just right. And I'll tell her about her firstmom and her love of a God who would grace the skies just to show off the beauty that is around us.

Blowing kisses and love to heaven today. Thank you so much for your brave love 5 years ago today.

"You sprinkle star dust on my pillow case. It's like a moonbeam brushed across my face. Nights are good and that's the way it should be."

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Vanessa. I have no adequate words to describe my feelings after reading this. I love you. I am so blessed to have met you. J was blessed to meet you, and I KNOW she felt the same way about you as you do about her. She was a very special person, and you and I will always hold her memory in our hearts. You have a part of her with you every day, and I am amazed over and over again at your love and the depth of your caring. Xiomara is exactly where God intended her to be. J was divinely guided, and of that I have no doubt. God bless you sweet Mama, and your sweet family.


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