Friday, September 30, 2011

The tug in my heart

I open up my facebook and see that two of my friends are adopting this week. Two *almost* brand new babies. Both with dark skin. Both beautiful.

And my heart rate increases.

The memories come back and it's almost as if I am there again. On our journey to Xio. Getting off that plane in Georgia on a hot, hot, July day. I can still picture myself in that tiny airport bathroom fixing my hair and makeup before going to meet "J". I still remember walking down the seemingly long, quiet hallway to meet "J" and Xiomara for the first time. I still feel in my heart the emotions of seeing my brand new daughter for the first time. For as long as I live, I think I will feel as if I could step back into that day today if I wanted. My memories are that clear.

And then I wonder if we really are done like I so recently blogged?? I wonder if my heart can ever be ok with not adopting again. I ask myself what about all the foster kids in this world? What about the little girl in Ethiopia who is crying out for food and who will one day be married young resulting in a fistula? What about the birthmom who is out there looking for that "perfect" family and what if we are it?  Shouldn't Xiomara have a little sister or little brother with the same dark skin as her?

The feelings come. The emotions come. And I want to experience them all over again. To feel them again. The joy. The pain. The peace.

But then I realize, that God has not called me to rely on my feelings. Never would I want to adopt based off of a feeling. The feelings will always, always be there. I'm quite certain that tug will always be on my heart. Mainly because God has laid it there.

So while the feelings of wanting to adopt again are there, I can use that tug to do good for adoption. Promote it. Support it. Pray for those who are adopting.

And then one day, maybe God will lay it back on our hearts to adopt. Until then (or even if that day never comes), I will never stop fighting for adoption!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Does "J" read your blog?

Recently someone asked me if "J" reads our blog. To my knowledge, she does not. We have never told her about it. However, that doesn't mean she hasn't found it. The blogging world is a VERY small world admist the big blogging world. I know it seems like such a contradiction, but seriously with the way social media is, posts can spread like wildfire all over the internet. So maybe she has read it.

Right now I write to write. I'm honest in my feelings, but I also know because I am honest from the perspective of being an adoptive mom, it may hurt her feelings from the perspective of being her birthmom.

I pray that it doesn't. Because my heart is never to offend but to be honest in my feelings.

Part of me wants her a part of our life. The other part of me is happy for the semi-open relationship we have now.

Sigh..adoption is so much harder than I ever thought.

Even now, 14 months after we adopted Xiomara, I think of "J"! I wonder what she is doing. I try and picture what Xiomara's life would be like with her. I just can't help it. It must be the mom in me relating to the mom in her.

Do any other adoptive moms feel this way? Or am I the only one out there like this?