Friday, September 30, 2011

The tug in my heart

I open up my facebook and see that two of my friends are adopting this week. Two *almost* brand new babies. Both with dark skin. Both beautiful.

And my heart rate increases.

The memories come back and it's almost as if I am there again. On our journey to Xio. Getting off that plane in Georgia on a hot, hot, July day. I can still picture myself in that tiny airport bathroom fixing my hair and makeup before going to meet "J". I still remember walking down the seemingly long, quiet hallway to meet "J" and Xiomara for the first time. I still feel in my heart the emotions of seeing my brand new daughter for the first time. For as long as I live, I think I will feel as if I could step back into that day today if I wanted. My memories are that clear.

And then I wonder if we really are done like I so recently blogged?? I wonder if my heart can ever be ok with not adopting again. I ask myself what about all the foster kids in this world? What about the little girl in Ethiopia who is crying out for food and who will one day be married young resulting in a fistula? What about the birthmom who is out there looking for that "perfect" family and what if we are it?  Shouldn't Xiomara have a little sister or little brother with the same dark skin as her?

The feelings come. The emotions come. And I want to experience them all over again. To feel them again. The joy. The pain. The peace.

But then I realize, that God has not called me to rely on my feelings. Never would I want to adopt based off of a feeling. The feelings will always, always be there. I'm quite certain that tug will always be on my heart. Mainly because God has laid it there.

So while the feelings of wanting to adopt again are there, I can use that tug to do good for adoption. Promote it. Support it. Pray for those who are adopting.

And then one day, maybe God will lay it back on our hearts to adopt. Until then (or even if that day never comes), I will never stop fighting for adoption!


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