I have been fighting with God lately. This whole past week I have been a mess. I've been in sin with my worry. It's not that I want to be, it's just that the control is hard to give up. Yet, it isn't really control when I feel anxious and worry either, is it? Seriously I have gone around and around in my mind this week with God. I so want this adoption to work out perfectly. I want to be able to trust God in all aspects of it, but especially the financial part. Yet, I sit here today and struggle doing just that. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I write out my thoughts and feelings (which are a bit jumbled-sorry about that), then I can see how truly ridiculous I am and turn back to completely trusting God! :)
This weekend, I was frantic re-filling out our adoption grant applications. I have officially done all I can possibly do now. There is nothing left. No more grant applications to fill out. So far we know of only two grants we have received. A $1,000 grant and an unknown amount not told to us until match. Yet we know an adoption could cost up to $20,000. We don't have much saved. We just haven't been able to save like we wanted to. Not when we are a young family, with two girls, and trying to follow Dave Ramsey like none other! It seems so unrealistic to me at times, and I'm sure also to others. Yet, is $20,000 really impossible for God? I don't think so. We would not have ever gone forth with this adoption if we did not know that God was leading us to do so, and He was/is. He also told us to watch and see what He would do on the financial end. So why do I still fight trusting Him? Why do I doubt He will do it if He told us He would? I fight because I'm human. I fight because I'm weak and I need Him to lift me up. I fight because I want this and feel that somehow I can do something by fighting.
I'm a complete fool. I know I can't do a thing. I have no way of getting the money. No way of getting this child. Not on my own. I need Him. I need Him to pave the way, to light the path before me. I need Him to take my hand and hold it as I'm scared. To show me that He loves me. That He cares.
Forgive me Lord. All I want God is to give this to You. To no longer fight You, but to realize that the plan is Yours and that You have already taken care of it. When it comes to pass, You will complete it. Hold me while I wait God and continue to strengthen me, to love me, and to have me surrender everything to You!