Zoelle got a card this past week from her Grandma Cindy and Grandpa Tim that was a music card. Now Zoelle loves music and is so thrilled with the fact that every time she opens the card, the old Twila Paris song "God is in Control" blares from it. Me? I've learned to both love and hate that card this week.
You see Friday night our social worker came to our house at dinner time and quickly picked up our books. As she was on her way out the door, she says to us, "I'll just hang on to these books then until you know where you are at financially, ok?". I was completely confused. She went on to explain that unless we are all set financially, she would prefer not to hand out profile books to agencies who give them to their birth parents. The reason being that if a birth parent chooses us, we need to have all finances in hand. I totally understand, but am frustrated that this was not told to us before we agreed to renew our home study this year and before we had these profile books made up. We are once again at asking ourselves, "What do we do now? Where do we go from here? Can we even go on from here?" All very valid questions that we are struggling to find the answers to.
Right now we have a few options:
1. Go forward with handing out profile books and hope that if we get picked, our grants plus any money we have will cover the adoption. After all, we could get picked soon, or it could be months down the road.
2. Wait until we get the finances. However, we feel very strongly about not getting a loan from a bank, so that kind of shoots that option out the door.
3. Apply for an interest free adoption loan that several different places offer. This is something we would consider. Of course, it is still a loan, and it is not something we like, but again, an option.
After our social worker left on Friday night, we were pretty upset. So sad that we even got into a fight about what we should do. I went on a walk with the girls and Chris went to work as he had some work to finish up still. On the walk, tears just came streaming down my face and I cried out to God in my heart, "Why?". It is a question that I may never have the answer to. I prepared on Friday to write our little babe a sort of Goodbye Letter-in that I'll never actually get to meet you, but I need closure for myself type of letter. That night, once the girls were in bed and Chris was home, we talked about it and as I type this, we still don't know the answer. The only thing we know is that God does not want us to give up.
I honestly believe that it was no mistake that Grandma Cindy picked that particular card out for Zoelle this week. Every single stinkin' time I've needed it, Zoelle has come over to me and opened up that card and I have been reminded that God is in control. I've learned to love it because it reminds me that He is greater than all of this and is in control of it. He knows the outcome. But, I also hate it because it means that I need to give up my control to Him. Always, that is easier said then done.
Please be in prayer for us as we struggle with what to do, where to find the finances and to continually trust God in all of this.
After all...He is in control.