Thursday, May 7, 2015

Going Through Grief {Our First Mother's Day Without J}

It seems unbelievable that it has already been almost 4 months since Xiomara's birthmom unexpectedly passed away. Sometimes it feels as if time has passed so quickly, and then other times it feels like it crawls by.

I've been getting through my grief rather slowly. I think if there is one thing I have realized through this is that everyone grieves differently. Sometimes I do really well and then Xiomara does something and it hits me that J is really gone and that she won't get to see Xiomara grow up. Those days are the worst.

I'm continually thankful for my husband who guides me through this journey. Also, my friends have held me up more times than I can count. If you are a friend of someone who is going through a grief journey, I know it can be hard, but please don't be afraid to reach out to them and love them through that time. Sometimes I felt as if I could breathe a little easier on the tough days just because I had a friend supporting me through prayer.

A sweet friend sent me this in a text on one of my consumed by grief days. It was exactly what I needed to see for Xiomara's life at that exact moment.

This week, grief has washed over me more than any other week except maybe that first week I found out. You see Mother's Day is coming up on Sunday. Furthermore, Birthmother's Day is on Saturday. We have always sent a gift, a card, flowers, a letter etc. to J on this day. This is our first time we won't. I know the firsts are always the hardest, but I wasn't quite prepared for it to be this hard. I just wish I could send her one last letter filled with pictures of our sweet girl. Two nights this week I lay awake past 2 a.m. in tears as my brain would not shut off the grief, memories, and thoughts. I've gone through many of my days tearing up over the littlest things. 

The only comfort has been music. Music has always been a mainstay in my life and I turn to it often. This week more so than before, I've found myself constantly going to my piano and just playing, crying out to God, and throwing all my emotion into song as I sing and play. Often as I play, I look up to the words above my piano and realize it was no mistake that just 6 days before J passed away I shared my phrase for 2015.

"He will quiet you with His love."

If there is anything God has been doing through this, it has been loving me. I may not understand it all, I may cry out a why, but I do feel His love surround, and yes, even quiet me.

In case anyone else is going through a hard time in their life, I thought I would share with you a few of the songs that have helped me in the past few months. They are not all worship songs, but rather just songs that have a special meaning in these hard moments.

Everlasting God: "Through all the troubles that surround, you are the rock that never fails, you never fail."

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail): "Where feet may fail & fear surrounds me, you've never failed and you won't start now."

Lost Stars: I promise I did not pick this because of my love for Adam Levine. Rather, I love the general thought that we need to cherish each day. In particular, I love, "Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy?" and "Turn the page, maybe we'll find a brand new ending. Where we're dancing in our tears." I've worked so hard on dancing through my tears that this has just really touched my heart.

I Am Not Alone: This song has given me so much peace and honestly I could quote every single lyric as it washes over my grief, but in particular, "In the midst of deep sorrow, I see your light is breaking through. The dark of night will not overtake me, I am pressing into you."

Lastly, if you wouldn't mind committing to praying me through this weekend, I would be forever grateful. Specifically, I ask for prayers for J's family. They are no doubt hurting more than I am this weekend without their daughter and mother with them. Also, please pray for our precious Xiomara. At 4 years old, she knows a lot more about what is going on than most think. She has a lot of questions, sometimes tears, and sometimes she just needs to be loved extra hard.

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