Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Working Through Some Emotions

I went shopping tonight with the girls. All three of them, by myself. I must have been feeling brave. As I was trying to coral the girls into the cart and down an aisle, I looked up and there you were. Well, not really, but whoever it was looked like you.

My heart did a little flip flop of excitement and then pain followed as I realized how I wish I could see you. It's been close to two years and somehow and for some reason I wish you could be involved in our lives, even just a little bit.

I'm always uncertain if I should continue to send you letters. I know you have only responded to one and so then I question if that is because it is too painful to read more and see more pictures of her? At the same time, when I look at it from a mother's perspective, I would want the letters, even if they are painful.

My heart is sad tonight. For you, and for her. For both of you are missing out on so much it seems and I'm not sure how to fix it. Maybe I'm not ever suppose to fix it?

So many times I look at her and watch her and wish that in that exact moment you could see her, hear her little voice, and feel her chubby arms wrap around your neck. Then I look to her and realize that one day, she too will wish you could have been there. As a mama, it pains my heart to know both of you will or already have experienced pain, just in different ways.

If that would have been you tonight that I met in the aisle of Target, I would have told you to hold her, play with her, snuggle her until your pain subsided just a little as your heart overflowed with love. And I know mine would have too!


  1. That was lovely, V! I had a friend in college who gave up his son. He said it was too painful for his former girlfriend to get the letters, but he continued and they were "reunited" a couple years ago after he turned 18. I think it's different for every single individual. I would keep writing, if I were you. If she didn't want the letters she would notify you to stop.

  2. I can't even imagine feeling these emotions. <3

  3. Angie-I know we already talked today, but I wanted to tell you thank you! What an amazing thing for me to hear. Thank you for sharing!!

    Salena-<3 Thanks!

  4. I have similar feelings sometimes of wanting to pull my dd's birthmom into our lives. I naively don't realize the depth of her gutwrenching pain and loss, and I try to superficially fill that up with contact, not getting that her pain is far greater than I can even get a glimpse of. Her first mom told me that she has to have a wall up in order to survive. That if she let that wall down she would fall apart completely. So I've learned to respect her distance. But I see her every day in my dd, and I honor and cherish her every day. And like you, I wish I could share my joy with her. It is a bittersweet joy, because I can't.

  5. When I say bittersweet joy, I don't mean that I'm feeling sorry for myself because of that wall, I meant that I feel such sadness and loss for my dd's birthmom. I carry her in my heart and feel some of her pain. Having not walked in her shoes, I know that I can't feel all of it, but I do, like you, grieve her loss as I feel my own joy. hope that makes sense.

  6. Mamapoint-You very much so made sense! I love the joy my daughter gives us, but man no one ever told me that I would experience so much pain for her birthmom.

    Thank you SO much for sharing!!

  7. This was so beautiful. We brought home our little girl 10 weeks ago, and her birth parents are in our lives. I want so much for them to always be in our lives because I know that if they aren't, I will be feeling exactly as you described. I think it's a feeling only an adoptive mom can understand. Thank you for voicing it!

  8. Thank you Tiffany! I definitely agree, that this feeling is one only an adoptive mama can understand!

  9. I think of my daughter's birthmom all of the time too. She wanted no contact. We didn't even meet her. Those that have shared in our adoption experiance say that it's a good thing that we "don't have to bother with her". People have no idea how connected an adoptive mom is to the birthmom. Even when they don't know each other.


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