I've been thinking about this letter and re-writing it in my head for almost a year. I've just never written it down because I knew when I did so, I would bawl. And I am.
I feel as if I've written you a thousand letters and they all say the same thing. And in a way, they always will. For you gave us your daughter to raise as our own. You already know how much joy she brings, and how much she smiles. You know how her and Zoelle share a bond, how her and Meridian giggle together. You can see how much Chris adores her (just like you always wanted), and you know I love her.
But today I write to you. From one mother to another, I pour my heart out to you in the hopes that your heart will hurt a little less today.
As a fellow mom, I know how important that first birthday is. I wish with everything in me that you could be here. That you could see her, hold her, kiss her one more time. And I'm positive you are sitting right where you are today wishing the exact same thing. You are probably remembering every kick she did in your tummy, every pain of labor, and most of all the joy of seeing your daughter for the first time.
I watched the sheer love you had for her the day you so bravely laid her in my arms. Tears poured out from your eyes as you walked away "forever". What you didn't know is that tears poured out from mine as well. For you, for her.
I've come to the conclusion this past year that adoption is beautiful in a really messy way. Sometimes something hurts so much, it is just beautiful. In this case, that something was adoption, was the choice you made.
So thank you. I know today isn't easy. No day ever will be. Each day you will think of her, and I will think of you. I'll know of and tell her of your love for her as she grows. But on this special day, her first birthday, I'll smile through the tears and know that because of you adoption is beautiful.
We love you!