One year ago, on June 10, 2010, my life changed. That day had always been just another day on the calendar, and also a day to mark my half birthday. But on that day, it became SO much more.
The day I found out about you Xiomara.
I'll never forget the exact spot I was standing. Meridian was sleeping, and I was already late to get Zoelle down for a nap. It was a little after 2 p.m. and I was heading up the stairs to put Zoelle to sleep. I was a little cranky because she wasn't cooperating and then the phone rang. I did what all moms do, the fake and happy, "Hello" when in the inside, I was feeling the opposite. It was our social worker. We had been in talks with her for a few days about updating our profile books to be more current, so I wasn't shocked it was her. In fact that morning she had called me several times asking if I had decision about whether or not we wanted to agree to the new policy that An Open Door Adoption Agency in Georgia had. The new policy concerned money being given at match and then if the adoption did fall through, that money would be tied up with the agency. So we would basically be "stuck" with them if something went wrong. I remember Chris being super busy that morning and he refused to give me an answer. I was feeling down and frustrated and just wanted to give her an answer, but Chris was far too busy to make that important of a decision.
Thus when I saw it was the social worker, my heart sank. I knew I didn't have an answer for her yet. My heart was leaning towards yes, Chris was leaning towards no. I answered the call anyway prepared to fully tell her that I would call her back no later than that night with an answer. And I did tell her that when almost immediately she asked me if I had a chance to ask Chris yet. I'll never forget her answer, "Well...apparently they umm...they didn't understand me when I said you hadn't agreed to the new policy...and well, they showed your profile to a birthmom this morning and she picked you".
And just like that my life changed.
All breath left me as I wondered about you Xio, and of course my thoughts went to you "J".
That day we learned very little. We learned that most likely you were a girl and I remember being overjoyed at that news because we always felt like God had a little girl named Xiomara for us through adoption.
That night as I went to bed, I could hardly sleep. I was so excited, nervous, and scared. My mind wandered back and forth between the baby that was to become you Xiomara, and to you "J". I wondered what you were like, what your pregnancy had been like, how it felt to have the baby move within your tummy. Was she a kicker like some babies? Did you carry her up high, or way down low? Had you been miserably sick like I am for my pregnancies?
And somewhere between June 10th and June 11th, I felt like I became a part of you. For you had chosen me to be a part of your daughter's life. And I fell in love with her before she was even born.
I began to wonder that night at the sheer courage it took to make a decision on who would raise your child. After all, who could possibly love her as much as you do?? I slowly realized that in choosing us, we became joined together; connected. She would no longer have just a mom, but two. One who was in her everyday present life, and one who choose to carry her and love her enough to give life to her.
And my life changed. Forever. And your life changed "J". Forever. And your life changed Xiomara. Forever.
One decision. One day. Changed.