One year ago today, what was suppose to be our baby boy was born. The next day, on the 17th, our adoption fell through. My heart broke. I literally never knew my heart could hurt so much over a child that wasn't "mine". I've been thinking a lot about "R", the baby boy who today is one, and about what I would tell myself a year ago if I knew what I knew today. So I wrote myself a letter in order to remember and to hopefully help others who are going through the same pain we were a year ago.
I know your heart is hurting today. And that is ok. Even though this child was never officially yours, in your heart he was, and you need time to grieve. To mourn a loss of what could have been. Don't worry about what others will think. Ignore those who mean well in what they say but just don't get it. Instead take time to cry. For that little boy a year from now will be rocked to sleep on his birthday in someone else's arms. He will learn to take his first step with a different mama than you cheering him on. And that hurts.
But on the other hand, a year from now you will be rocking to sleep a beautiful little girl. With milk chocolate skin and big brown eyes. She will melt you with her smile. And any pain you have now will lessen with the joy she brings. For you will be there on her birthday. You will watch her smash her little hands into a cake for the very first time. At night, you'll take her in your arms and quietly whisper that she was worth every little bit of pain. That she was worth two years of waiting.
A year from now, you will fall asleep in peace knowing that "R" made the right decision. That you made the right decision. It doesn't help lessen the pain of today, but I want you to know that a year from now it will be ok.
Thank you "R" and Happy Birthday to a little boy who I still think and pray for everyday!