On Our Hearts

The Importance Of One Little Dollar

2012-02-01T17:21:00.000-06:00

"There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor political, nor popular, but he must do it because conscience tells him it's right. And that is where I stand today and that is where I hope you will continue to stand so we can speed up the day when justice will roll down like waters all over the world and righteousness like a mighty stream." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. January 14, 1968

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update on everything. I spent a good majority of the last two weeks researching, e-mailing, and working on getting a response from Target. If you are new here and wondering what this is all about, go read here.

My whole point in this is whether or not it is the manufacturer's fault, Target's fault, if it was on purpose, or not on purpose, if the stock was low, if it is a supply and demand issue...all that doesn't matter. It is the fact that for too long many have not seen something as little as $1 important (easy to do when we live in a very white world) and we do become complacent and comfortable in our own lives. We become blind to the hurt that something as little as a dollar can cause (I know I have before many times). Even if as white adults we may not be seeing it as an inequality issue, I know (through my siblings and numerous e-mails, facebook messages, and talks with people) that others of minority races are and it is leaving the impression that they are not as valuable or as important.

Image source via Pinterest

My friend Renee said it best when she said: "Little girls of all races have enough self esteem issues without society devaluing one race over another. If it was an honest mistake, attention still needs to be called to it so it won't happen in the future. It sends the wrong message.

If stores are so cautious to use the words Happy Holidays as to not offend then surely they can rectify this."

Thus I was feeling a bit sad when Target did not follow up with me in a phone call as they said they would. I actually broke down one night, crying and telling Chris that all this was for nothing and that no change would come about despite how hard I tried.

And then something happened.

I began getting facebook messages and e-mails from people who told me that they had gone back to their Target and the price had changed and they were now the same. I smiled a little on the inside and then the more and more messages that came in, the more I became ecstatic.

Last week, I stopped at my local Target, the one that I originally saw the price difference at, and I saw this:

Yes, they may have changed the price only out of fear of a lawsuit or retribution from social media, but in reality it doesn't matter why they changed it. All that matters is that they did because that means that they too recognized the importance that one little dollar can make.

And to me, and others who were working with me on this, it makes all the difference in the world.

Dare to make a difference!

2012-01-16T13:46:00.001-06:00

“We have flown the air like birds and swum the sea like fishes, but have yet to learn the simple act of walking the earth like brothers. ” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

I'm completely astounded by the many friends, family, and people I don't know who care about a $1 difference. That post is quickly becoming my most read post on this blog.

When I first posted it, I never intended to be an activist. All I wanted was an answer from Target on why there was a $1 difference in price between the dolls.

However, I'm realizing more and more that I am an activist and that is ok. I think sometimes we associate activism with a negative connotation. However, not all activism is bad. Someone has to speak up in order for change to happen. If I am that person, then so be it. I will gladly do it for my daughter, my three sisters, and my niece, who are all African American.

I know many think that I am wasting my time and barking up the wrong tree. Corporate America doesn't care about $1 and my little ole' blog post isn't going to change how Target operates. I agree. However, it doesn't change the fact that they should care. And you know what? Social media is mighty powerful nowadays and maybe, just maybe they will care if enough people see this and vow to make a change.

I will also say this, as a white person, raised in a very white world, it is easy for us to go around believing that $1 doesn't matter and that I am making a bigger deal out of this than it is. However, until you see the world just slightly through the eyes of your black daughter, you won't ever realize how much truly needs to change. This is just one thing among many.

Right now I have been in conversation with Target twice. The first time I got nowhere with them as I did not have the exact item numbers of the dolls. However, after having my husband go back and get them, I called and it took them all of five minutes to direct me to corporate headquarters in Minneapolis, MN. After talking to them, I was told it could either be that they are going out of stock or it is a pricing error on their part for my particular Target. I was told that they will have a team look into it and get back to me as soon as possible. I was set to believe that until I started hearing from friends who had read my blog post and checked their local Target. Sure enough, more and more friends are notifying me that the dollar difference is also at their Target. Not only that, I have since found out that some Targets carry a Hispanic doll and that doll too is priced at $10.99. At this point, I am having a hard time believing it is a simple error on Target's part.

Thank you to Sarah from California for providing me with this picture of the Hispanic doll!

It is definitely disappointing to me. Right now, I am asking all of you to visit your local Target, check for these dolls and then report back to me with the city of your Target either here on this blog post in the comments, on my facebook page, or by email at: jewelsntreasures (at) yahoo (dot) com, if your Target has these dolls marked differently in price. I am compiling a list so that when I next talk to Target I have an exact list that I can forward on to them.

So would you please join me in making a difference?? Share this on your Facebook, your Twitter, your Google + accounts, with friends, family, and any others. I truly believe $1 does matter and I firmly believe that on this Martin Luther King, Jr. day, with your help we can make a difference!!

For her sake, for their sake, for all of our sakes, let's dare to have $1 make a difference!!

*To read a follow up on this post and to find out what action Target has taken, click here.

Does $1 really make a difference?

2012-01-12T14:47:00.000-06:00

Last night I decided on a whim to take my oldest two on a trip to Target. I had a few things to return and also needed to pick a few things up. For Christmas each of the girls got a gift card to Target and while Zoelle had already used hers, Meridian had not, so we ended up in the toy aisles at Target.

I was letting the girls look to their hearts content while reminiscing about my own childhood, when I noticed a certain doll. Nothing was telling about this baby doll. Really it was just a doll with a pacifier and blanket. Marked for $10.99. I told Meridian that if she wanted she could buy it and I would pay the difference (the gift card was for $10).

And then my eyes noticed something sitting right next to this doll.

The same exact doll, except she was Caucasian and when my eyes wandered to the price I was astounded to see it listed at $11.99.

$1 more than the same doll that was African American.

My heart sank. As a mama to an African American daughter, I did not like the message that was being sent out to her, my other daughters, or anyone else.

I sent out a Tweet to Target when I got home that said:

This morning I woke up to a tweet from them asking me to contact them along with their contact info. When I saw that they wanted me to contact them I questioned whether or not $1 was worth it?

I mean, it's only a dollar. Not a big deal, right?

But then I thought what if $1 is a big deal to her?? What if it is a big deal to them?? Those who have been told their whole life that they aren't as important, aren't as needed, aren't as valuable compared to the white people.

And because I vowed to never stay silent and to always fight for my daughter, I called them.

*To read a follow up on this post and how you can make a difference, click HERE.*

A year goes by...

2011-12-28T15:16:00.000-06:00

One year ago today, you became offically "ours" according to the court but in our hearts you always were ours since your first mom, "J" placed you in our arms.

Zoelle said today, "Mom, Xiomara doesn't even know she had another mom before she had you as her mom." I stared at her in wonder because we don't typically talk about your adoption every day. We don't label you as "adopted". We acknowledge that it is a part of you, but it does not define you. Thus when your big sister said that this morning, it caused me to really stop and think. She is right honey. Right now, at almost a year and a half old, you don't know about her. Oh I whisper to you as you fall asleep each day that "J" loves you. Or I often will exclaim to your daddy how happy "J" would be to see you hit each milestone.

But no babe, right now, you don't know her. And in reality, all you will ever know while you are a young child is that she was a part of your past. That she loved you enough to sacrifice her hapiness for yours.

However, she can always be a part of your future. We will talk of her, we will continue to send her letters and pictures, and someday when your dad and I feel you are ready, and if you so desire to, I really hope you get to meet her.

So that way you will know that you really did have a mom before me. For two whole days. And that even though you couldn't see her or talk with her, she was still that mom that lived inside you from the moment she placed you in my arms.

Happy finalization day honey! Know that "J", your dad, and I all love you!!

Happy Birthday "J"

2011-12-17T14:56:00.000-06:00

I see you in every smile, I think of you every time she calls me mama, and I feel you in the very heart of her.

We are connected through this tiny little girl we both call daughter. The one we both love with our whole hearts.

I hope you have an amazing day. And even though you may never see this or read this, I wanted to share this video of Xiomara dancing. I can hear your laughter as you view it and I think you deserve that today.

Love you and Happy Birthday from all of us!!

When God asks me to wait....again.

2011-11-29T00:11:00.001-06:00

Sigh..here it is the end of November, National Adoption Month, and I feel as if I did nothing to support adoption. I mean sure I posted a few blog posts here and there and posted on facebook, but I'm not so sure that changes someone's heart?

What I really wanted to do this November was to change lives for adoption. To support adoptive parents, to support foster care, to support birth parents.

I wasn't sure how I was going to do it, but I really wanted to do it.

Not for me, but for them...the waiting children, the anxious birthmom, the lonely child. I wanted to help them.

And I'm pretty sure I failed.

I'll be honest, I'm really struggling with where to "fit in" in the adoption world. We aren't currently adopting, and I'm not sure we ever will again. Yet, after knowing the adoption world, I feel like I can't just step out of it and back into the "regular" world. If I did that, I'd feel like I was turning a blind eye to all the hurt, loss, need, and beauty in adoption.

So I sit here tonight with my tea in my hands wondering just where God would have us "fit in". What does He have for us?

I thought I knew, but now, now I'm just now sure. I feel lost, alone, and sad.

So I stand with my hands stretched wide asking God, "What now?" and like a whispered wind blowing across my heart, He tells me, "Wait daughter. Wait.".

So for now, I wait.

Reflecting on Xiomara

2011-11-14T23:09:00.001-06:00

Dear baby girl,

It's November and November is National Adoption Month so I wanted to write a little letter to you.

I can't even begin to imagine what life would be like without you. Tonight as we were tucking all three of you in, your two sisters were both crying. I looked down at you, and there you were smiling with all that is in you that beautiful smile of yours back at me. I turned to your daddy and told him, "I know that no matter what is happening in our home, I can always look to Xiomara to put a smile on my face".

When we were waiting for you, we prayed that God would send us a little girl who was full of joy. That she would light up the room and charm everyone with her personality. That you do little peanut. That you do.

Snotty nose and all, we love you!

If you weren't here in our lives, it would be a lot dimmer. I wouldn't be feeling the pain of a fat lip from you head butting me? kicking me? in your sleep last night. :) I wouldn't get to hear you and Meridian squeal to each other as you fight yet again over another doll. I wouldn't get to see the pure delight on Zoelle's face as you give her those big smooches you do everyday to her!

And your daddy, he would not have that sparkle in his eye that I see him have every night when he looks across the table at you. As for me, who would I talk about to your daddy every night as I tuck you into bed and stare into your beautiful brown eyes? Whose little milk chocolate skin would I be able to massage each day just because I know she loves massages? Who would I be able to whisper to when no one else is listening but you, "You are so beautiful Xio. I love you. God has great plans for your life."

I'm so thankful that you came into our lives after two years of waiting. You were worth every second of that wait. Every agonizing minute of wonder. Every tear that poured down my face.

You were worth it.

You are worth it.

Adoption is worth it.

I love you Xiomara Marie.

Unadoptable is unacceptable!

2011-11-08T14:45:00.000-06:00

I don't often blog about them, but I have 11 adopted younger siblings all through the foster care system. I grew up with one older biological sister and when I was 18, my parents adopted a sibling set of three. Two years later, they adopted a sibling set of six. Shortly before we adopted Xiomara, they adopted a sibling set of two.

I definitely have a heart for foster care. I will do anything I can to promote it. Thus when I recently got an email from the Dave Thomas Foundation For Adoption asking if I would share this video on my blogs, I said yes.

Because November is National Adoption Month. Because I love them. Because there are others like them who still need a family.

The Scarlet Letter A

2011-10-25T11:34:00.000-05:00

In high school, I was required by my English teacher to read Nathaniel Hawthorne's book The Scarlet Letter. I was captivated by the story of Hester Prynne and the legalism behind her having to wear the scarlet letter "A". While the minister, who was just as much a part of it, walked around free from the public criticism.

Image Source

Sometimes I think society is forcing birthmoms to walk around with a scarlet letter "A". A for adoption. You may never know her but you have already labeled her. You ask how she could have possibly given her child up for adoption? Did she not love him enough? Did she not care to share the laughter and the tears over her daughter's first boyfriend? Did she not want to stand with pride in her eyes as her son went into the army?

And so the scarlet stain on her letter A keeps getting a bit darker each time you place that judgement on her.

Oh and you just know she did drugs right? Or drank throughout her whole pregnancy?

That stain just got a little bit redder.

Did you know the she didn't want to wear that A? That she would give anything to have her son back. But that wasn't an option for her. Did you know that she cried until she was gasping for breath when she left her daughter in someone else's arms?

Did you know that she was raped and chose to give that child life rather than death?

Of course you didn't and neither did I until I saw it firsthand. And then I too had to put on my scarlet letter. Except mine wasn't an A, instead it was a J. Stained red for the judgement I had for our own birthmom and others before her.

The tug in my heart

2011-09-30T22:54:00.000-05:00

I open up my facebook and see that two of my friends are adopting this week. Two *almost* brand new babies. Both with dark skin. Both beautiful.

And my heart rate increases.

The memories come back and it's almost as if I am there again. On our journey to Xio. Getting off that plane in Georgia on a hot, hot, July day. I can still picture myself in that tiny airport bathroom fixing my hair and makeup before going to meet "J". I still remember walking down the seemingly long, quiet hallway to meet "J" and Xiomara for the first time. I still feel in my heart the emotions of seeing my brand new daughter for the first time. For as long as I live, I think I will feel as if I could step back into that day today if I wanted. My memories are that clear.

And then I wonder if we really are done like I so recently blogged?? I wonder if my heart can ever be ok with not adopting again. I ask myself what about all the foster kids in this world? What about the little girl in Ethiopia who is crying out for food and who will one day be married young resulting in a fistula? What about the birthmom who is out there looking for that "perfect" family and what if we are it? Shouldn't Xiomara have a little sister or little brother with the same dark skin as her?

The feelings come. The emotions come. And I want to experience them all over again. To feel them again. The joy. The pain. The peace.

But then I realize, that God has not called me to rely on my feelings. Never would I want to adopt based off of a feeling. The feelings will always, always be there. I'm quite certain that tug will always be on my heart. Mainly because God has laid it there.

So while the feelings of wanting to adopt again are there, I can use that tug to do good for adoption. Promote it. Support it. Pray for those who are adopting.

And then one day, maybe God will lay it back on our hearts to adopt. Until then (or even if that day never comes), I will never stop fighting for adoption!

Does "J" read your blog?

2011-09-26T21:36:00.000-05:00

Recently someone asked me if "J" reads our blog. To my knowledge, she does not. We have never told her about it. However, that doesn't mean she hasn't found it. The blogging world is a VERY small world admist the big blogging world. I know it seems like such a contradiction, but seriously with the way social media is, posts can spread like wildfire all over the internet. So maybe she has read it.

Right now I write to write. I'm honest in my feelings, but I also know because I am honest from the perspective of being an adoptive mom, it may hurt her feelings from the perspective of being her birthmom.

I pray that it doesn't. Because my heart is never to offend but to be honest in my feelings.

Part of me wants her a part of our life. The other part of me is happy for the semi-open relationship we have now.

Sigh..adoption is so much harder than I ever thought.

Even now, 14 months after we adopted Xiomara, I think of "J" every.single.day! I wonder what she is doing. I try and picture what Xiomara's life would be like with her. I just can't help it. It must be the mom in me relating to the mom in her.

Do any other adoptive moms feel this way? Or am I the only one out there like this?

Debt free adoption? Yes it IS possible!

2011-08-20T11:35:00.001-05:00

Let me start by saying that I realize that I have all sorts of people who read this blog, through all different lifestyles and all different beliefs. To some of you, this post may really touch your hearts...and to others, this will be crazy. However, I have a story to tell so that you, my readers, know that God still does miracles today.

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When I posted this video the last time I blogged, there was a tiny secret included in that video. What was it? That our adoption was paid for 100%! But first let me back up.

In July of 2009 when we started the adoption journey, we had literally next to no extra money. Yet we were feeling this strong pull toward adoption. Every time we would talk and pray about the possibility of adopting and the fact that we had no money to do so, we felt as if God was telling us to take a leap of faith and move forward with the adoption. After much prayer and lots of discussing, we did just that. In some ways, it was the scariest thing we have ever done, in other ways, we felt more peace than ever before.

We sent out support letters to our family and friends and also started applying for as many adoption grants that we could. Money trickled in slowly over the two year time frame and by the two year mark of waiting, that covered about half of our total adoption fees.

This is the point in which I panicked. We still had half of the adoption costs to cover and basically no way to do so. However, I was reminded that when we first started this process we felt God tell us that He would provide for every last penny, all we had to do was trust. I told God time and time again that if he wanted us to adopt, then He had to provide the finances to do so. If He did, I would make sure the world knew that our adoption was paid for all because of Him.

As we got closer and closer to the two year point in waiting to adopt, someone approached us and told us that if a situation arose to adopt, to not say no based off of not having all the finances. Instead, they encouraged us that money can come from God at anytime and that may even be after we have adopted. I remember being a little awestruck at the comment for this had never occured to me before then. But at the same time, I figured we would never have to take a leap of faith that big in trusting God. I figured He would provide somehow, someway, miraculously before we got a call.

So on that June day in 2010 when we got the call that "J" had picked us, I was a bit shocked, but reminded of that conversation and again reminded to trust. We again brought it before God and told Him that we only had half the money and that if He didn't want us to have this baby girl, He would have to close the door on it.

With a peace that could only come from God, we said yes to adopting and ended up getting a loan to cover the other half of the adoption. Again, we had no idea where the rest of the money would come from to adopt, but God kept assuring us that He could do this at any point. The money didn't have to be in our timing, but His.

For six months after we adopted Xiomara we waited on Him to give us word on providing us with the other half of the adoption costs. In the meantime, the loan was being paid for solely out of our adoption money that we still had in an adoption account. Then in January, I talked to a friend who told me that the adoption tax credit was a refund this year and not just a credit. If true, this would pay the other half of our adoption fees, thus making our adoption debt free. Up until this point, we had only heard that it was a credit (which really would not benefit us at all). We started praying and I remember getting the shivers because God whispered on my heart, "I said I was going to do it, didn't I?".

Because we finalized at the very end of December, we did not have Xiomara's social security number in time to file taxes. Thus we filed an extension. In the meantime, I hear from online adoptive friends who are having major problems getting their tax refund. They are getting questioned for months on end, some end up even getting their cases closed without getting the refund. Many are still, on this day in August, without their funds.

Fear hits me. But then comes peace as Chris tells me that "God said He would pay for it all and He will." Thus we file our taxes in June knowing that most likely we have a long wait ahead of us.

On August 1st, I go check the mail box and am astounded to see our tax return checks in there. With shaky hands and a prayer on my lips I open it and find the full amount of refund. We did not get reviewed, we did not have to wait months on end.

Instead God did a miracle and paid for our adoption 100%. I mean it! Every last penny was paid for!!!

So today I wanted to share with you and you can feel free to share with others, (because after all I said I wanted the world to know) that God still does perform miracles. It truly is a miracle because there was no way without His help that this adoption could have been 100% debt free!

It really was such a BIG miracle in such a little girl! Thank you God!!

She's walking...

2011-08-13T23:26:00.000-05:00

I'm here, I'm here! I just have a walker now (which equals busy). Yes Xiomara who is 13 months old and teeny tiny is full on walking. I normally don't post much about our adoption or my thoughts on adoption in our family blog, but with today's post on her walking, I did.

I'm just missing our birthmom today. And really, really wishing she could be here to see this big milestone. Any other adoptive parents feel this way at times?

Back to my regular posts soon-I have an important one coming!!

One Year Ago Today

2011-07-08T23:55:00.005-05:00

We met you one year ago today Xiomara. For the first time, I'm sharing publicly how God performed a miracle with your adoption. I thought it would be fitting to share on your one year anniversary in our family. I love you sweet baby girl!

One Year Later... A Letter For You

2011-07-06T21:42:00.000-05:00

Dear J,

I've been thinking about this letter and re-writing it in my head for almost a year. I've just never written it down because I knew when I did so, I would bawl. And I am.

I feel as if I've written you a thousand letters and they all say the same thing. And in a way, they always will. For you gave us your daughter to raise as our own. You already know how much joy she brings, and how much she smiles. You know how her and Zoelle share a bond, how her and Meridian giggle together. You can see how much Chris adores her (just like you always wanted), and you know I love her.

But today I write to you. From one mother to another, I pour my heart out to you in the hopes that your heart will hurt a little less today.

As a fellow mom, I know how important that first birthday is. I wish with everything in me that you could be here. That you could see her, hold her, kiss her one more time. And I'm positive you are sitting right where you are today wishing the exact same thing. You are probably remembering every kick she did in your tummy, every pain of labor, and most of all the joy of seeing your daughter for the first time.

I watched the sheer love you had for her the day you so bravely laid her in my arms. Tears poured out from your eyes as you walked away "forever". What you didn't know is that tears poured out from mine as well. For you, for her.

I've come to the conclusion this past year that adoption is beautiful in a really messy way. Sometimes something hurts so much, it is just beautiful. In this case, that something was adoption, was the choice you made.

So thank you. I know today isn't easy. No day ever will be. Each day you will think of her, and I will think of you. I'll know of and tell her of your love for her as she grows. But on this special day, her first birthday, I'll smile through the tears and know that because of you adoption is beautiful.

We love you!

Last Day To Vote

2011-06-21T15:15:00.001-05:00

Hopping on real quick to ask you all to go VOTE for me one last time!!

Clicking on the word VOTE above will bring you directly to the page to vote for my blog. Just click the thumbs up and you have voted. :) Right now, I'm around 34th place. Which in and of itself is a huge honor. I still would love to jump up to 25th place because then I get an interview in which I can share my dream. That interview is shared with 6 million people! Which in turn means a greater chance of my dream becoming a reality! Which in turn means helping someone. Which in turns means changing one life forever!

Can you come help make that happen? You have until 5 p.m. PST! So go VOTE!

A Letter To My Husband

2011-06-19T22:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Christer,

I write this letter to you on Father's Day because you need to hear it, to understand it, and to believe it!! You are amazing! Ok, well maybe you already knew that, but I'm telling you again! ;)

But this letter isn't to tell you how amazing you are for working hard for our family. Or for owning two businesses. Or for parenting our three girls. You are amazing for all of that.

But no..this letter is to tell you how amazing you are to love a little girl who isn't your own flesh and blood.

I think that love comes naturally for a mother. No matter if said child is adopted or birthed, it is just ingrained in a mother to love. And so she does. The maternal instincts rise up and she becomes mama bear to her cub. For a dad, there is a certain pride in looking down into that little face and knowing that he/she is a part of you. That she has your nose, or that he has your chin.

But you, you didn't get that with our daughter. Instead, you looked at her on that hot July day in Georgia, with more love in your eyes than I can ever remember you looking and it literally shone throughout the room. You loved a little girl that looked nothing like you, or I, and that somewhere has a different biological dad. You looked past all of that and saw her for who she was: A little girl in need of love from her daddy. In the days after her birth, I watched a love and protection well up in you like none other.

I remember before we adopted, while we were still in the waiting process friends would ask me how you felt about the adoption. Or would ask me if you could really love a child that was not your "own". I never hesitated in knowing that you could. And I was right.

Because you are amazing. Because I love. Because they love you. Happy Father's Day!

Vote For My Blog Please!

2011-06-13T12:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, big breath here. I'm asking for votes. Right now there is a contest going on for the Top 25 Adoption Blogs. I've entered mine. I have no grand thoughts of becoming #1 (nor do I think I deserve it), but I would be very honored to be in the Top 25.

So why ask for votes? I have dreams. Lots of dreams. All involving adoption. I constantly am asking myself what I could do to help the orphans in Ethiopia? How can I touch birthmoms just like "R" or "J"? What can I do for a family just like us that has no money to adopt, but feels very called to it?

So my mind spins and the dreams come.

I want to explore those dreams! But I need people backing me, encouraging me, being a part of those dreams. One way to do that is to expose my blog to others who have this passion just like I do. Who can help or know someone who can.

Right now, my crazy dream is to take $10 and turn it into $100. $100 into a thousand, $1,000 into $10,000 and from there the possibilies are endless. I want to use that money to all go towards adoption. Perhaps to a family wanting to adopt. Or to an orphan in Africa. Or maybe something else yet to be revealed to me.

It is very humbling to put my dreams out there on a public blog. For fear that they may fail or never happen. But I'm taking that leap of faith knowing that I have to open myself up in order for the dream to get started. Big dreams, but not impossible and I truly believe with the help of others we can make adoption more the "norm" and perhaps more attainable.

So if you have a minute, would you go vote for me? All you need to do is click on the thumbs up and you are good. You can vote once every 24 hours (until June 21st)! Just follow the link, look for my blog: On Our Hearts, and click the thumbs up. Also, please spread the word because I really want to see this dream become a reality!

The day my world changed

2011-06-10T19:34:00.000-05:00

One year ago, on June 10, 2010, my life changed. That day had always been just another day on the calendar, and also a day to mark my half birthday. But on that day, it became SO much more.
The day I found out about you Xiomara.

I'll never forget the exact spot I was standing. Meridian was sleeping, and I was already late to get Zoelle down for a nap. It was a little after 2 p.m. and I was heading up the stairs to put Zoelle to sleep. I was a little cranky because she wasn't cooperating and then the phone rang. I did what all moms do, the fake and happy, "Hello" when in the inside, I was feeling the opposite. It was our social worker. We had been in talks with her for a few days about updating our profile books to be more current, so I wasn't shocked it was her. In fact that morning she had called me several times asking if I had decision about whether or not we wanted to agree to the new policy that An Open Door Adoption Agency in Georgia had. The new policy concerned money being given at match and then if the adoption did fall through, that money would be tied up with the agency. So we would basically be "stuck" with them if something went wrong. I remember Chris being super busy that morning and he refused to give me an answer. I was feeling down and frustrated and just wanted to give her an answer, but Chris was far too busy to make that important of a decision.

Thus when I saw it was the social worker, my heart sank. I knew I didn't have an answer for her yet. My heart was leaning towards yes, Chris was leaning towards no. I answered the call anyway prepared to fully tell her that I would call her back no later than that night with an answer. And I did tell her that when almost immediately she asked me if I had a chance to ask Chris yet. I'll never forget her answer, "Well...apparently they umm...they didn't understand me when I said you hadn't agreed to the new policy...and well, they showed your profile to a birthmom this morning and she picked you".

And just like that my life changed.

All breath left me as I wondered about you Xio, and of course my thoughts went to you "J".

That day we learned very little. We learned that most likely you were a girl and I remember being overjoyed at that news because we always felt like God had a little girl named Xiomara for us through adoption.

That night as I went to bed, I could hardly sleep. I was so excited, nervous, and scared. My mind wandered back and forth between the baby that was to become you Xiomara, and to you "J". I wondered what you were like, what your pregnancy had been like, how it felt to have the baby move within your tummy. Was she a kicker like some babies? Did you carry her up high, or way down low? Had you been miserably sick like I am for my pregnancies?

And somewhere between June 10th and June 11th, I felt like I became a part of you. For you had chosen me to be a part of your daughter's life. And I fell in love with her before she was even born.

I began to wonder that night at the sheer courage it took to make a decision on who would raise your child. After all, who could possibly love her as much as you do?? I slowly realized that in choosing us, we became joined together; connected. She would no longer have just a mom, but two. One who was in her everyday present life, and one who choose to carry her and love her enough to give life to her.

And my life changed. Forever. And your life changed "J". Forever. And your life changed Xiomara. Forever.

One decision. One day. Changed.

Help during a failed adoption

2011-06-02T08:57:00.001-05:00

No one wants to experience a failed adoption. Even though the child you were all set in place to adopt isn't legally yours, your heart has been opened and you have spent many nights dreaming of him/her. It hurts.

I realize I never spent much time talking about our failed adoption. It was too fresh and raw at the time to do so. Today, I thought I would share three tips to help a family who has gone through a failed adoption.

1. Listen. Acknowledge the loss, make sure they know you care by saying "I'm sorry", but stop there! Don't ask questions, or tell the story of a friend who you know who went through the same thing, don't assume the birthmom is horrible for changing her mind either. There is a story to every story and unless the adoptees want to share, just be there for them as a listening ear when and if they want to share.

2. Bring them a meal. When our adoption feel through, it literally felt like a child of mine had died. I wanted to stay in bed all day, hide, and cry. The last thing I wanted to do is cook. So bring over a meal (but remember just drop it off and leave as they probably aren't up for entertaining). If they have other children in the home, bring some cookies to cheer up their day (they are probably hurting too).

3. Pray. There is nothing much better than asking God to heal the hurt, give them peace, and to protect the birthmom/child.

Anyway you look at it, failed adoption stinks. But hopefully, with a little help from you, and a lot of help from God, they can get through it and come out stronger on the other side!

Dear J,

2011-05-08T16:34:00.000-05:00

I've been sitting here for the last half hour trying to figure out what to write. How to express to you in words my thankfulness to you. For you see in seven short minutes it will be Mother's Day. And you won't have your baby in your arms. On the day you should be celebrating being a mom to her, she will she will be in my arms. I'll be celebrating while you are crying. And that has to hurt. To know that another mama is holding your little girl, while you ache to see her just one more time.

I'm not sure my words could ever adequately cover over any pain you have. I'm not sure I could ever convince you that I will be, or am, just as good of a mama as you would have been to her. I'm not sure any bouquet of flowers will replace the daughter whom you have placed for adoption.

I can't take away the everyday hurt, the everyday longing to hug and kiss her. But I can promise you just as I did 10 months ago to the day, that I do and I will love her as if she came from my tummy. That I will raise her up so you can be proud of her one day. That she will know you as her mama who loved her so much that you sacrified your happiness for hers.

And that "J" is amazing! Happy Mother's Day from all of us here. We love you!

A Letter From Her Birthmom

2011-04-16T17:55:00.000-05:00

It arrived almost two weeks ago. In a non-descript envelope from our agency. Thinking it was finally Xiomara's updated birth certificate, I rushed to open it. Instead, a single white sheet addressed to Vanessa, Chris, & Girls, fell to my lap.

It was from her; "J" our birthmom.

For the first time in 9 months we heard from her. Directly. I've been in contact with our social worker from Georgia and heard little bits and pieces that "J" has been ok with her sharing, but otherwise it has been silent.

And I hated the silence. I wanted to know that she was ok. I wanted to know if she still was happy she placed her daughter with us.

She is ok and she still feels confident in her placement. She is extremely grateful that we are still sending her letters and pictures even though we are no longer obligated to do so.

But, and there always seems to be a but...she referred to Xiomara as her daughter the whole letter.

It bothered me and I'm not sure it should have being that Xiomara is her daughter. That reality doesn't go away just because she placed her for adoption. Yet can she also be mine? The big question is: Can Xiomara have two moms who both love her? One who grew her in her tummy, and loved her enough to choose an adoption plan for her. And one who grew her in her heart and loved her enough to accept her for who she is no matter what.

The answer: I think so. Because that is the life I'm living right now. The life I chose. I'm working through these emotions and experiences as they hit me one at a time.

Any other adoptive mamas have advice for me? Is what I am feeling normal? I'd also love to hear from birthmoms on this issue if you are willing to share.

One Year Ago

2011-03-16T22:14:00.000-05:00

One year ago today, what was suppose to be our baby boy was born. The next day, on the 17th, our adoption fell through. My heart broke. I literally never knew my heart could hurt so much over a child that wasn't "mine". I've been thinking a lot about "R", the baby boy who today is one, and about what I would tell myself a year ago if I knew what I knew today. So I wrote myself a letter in order to remember and to hopefully help others who are going through the same pain we were a year ago.

Dear Vanessa,

I know your heart is hurting today. And that is ok. Even though this child was never officially yours, in your heart he was, and you need time to grieve. To mourn a loss of what could have been. Don't worry about what others will think. Ignore those who mean well in what they say but just don't get it. Instead take time to cry. For that little boy a year from now will be rocked to sleep on his birthday in someone else's arms. He will learn to take his first step with a different mama than you cheering him on. And that hurts.

But on the other hand, a year from now you will be rocking to sleep a beautiful little girl. With milk chocolate skin and big brown eyes. She will melt you with her smile. And any pain you have now will lessen with the joy she brings. For you will be there on her birthday. You will watch her smash her little hands into a cake for the very first time. At night, you'll take her in your arms and quietly whisper that she was worth every little bit of pain. That she was worth two years of waiting.

A year from now, you will fall asleep in peace knowing that "R" made the right decision. That you made the right decision. It doesn't help lessen the pain of today, but I want you to know that a year from now it will be ok.

Love,

Me

Thank you "R" and Happy Birthday to a little boy who I still think and pray for everyday!

In the eyes of a child

2011-03-11T22:52:00.000-06:00

Recently our Zoelle, who intellectually is more 5 than 3, started declaring to us about Xiomara: "She's brown; I'm white". My first thought was to panic. I did not want race to be an issue within our own immediate family. I mean afterall, Xiomara will have to deal with the race issue within our extended family, friends, church family, etc. No matter how right or wrong it is, people will treat her differently because of the color of her skin. Thus when Zoelle declared those differences, I panicked. At least on the inside. On the outside, I calmly looked to Chris. I think we both had the same thought from God, "She's right". So we turned to her and said, "You're right Zoelle. God made Xiomara brown and you white". Do you know what gets me and brings a smile to my face? She accepted that answer. She didn't care about the differences. She hasn't treated her any differently since realizing that they are different.

It just is what it is. A fact.

Perhaps we could all learn from that little fact. Me included. Skin color is just that: the color of one's skin. It doesn't change who we are and what we do. It's what's on the inside that matters. As the weeks have gone by and Zoelle has declared lots of skin colors as we go to the grocery store, Target, and church, we have come to acknowledge the obvious and remind her that it's what on the inside that counts. What does her heart look like? What does mine? What does yours?

So I encourage you, acknowledge the obvious in your life, in your children's life. Maybe if we all acknowledged the obvious rather than trying to ignore the color of our skin or those around us for fear of being labeled racist, race would be a lot less of an issue.

Instead the only issue would be what do our hearts looks like on the inside. After all we are all children of God.

Whether adopted, black, white, or brown. It doesn't matter in the eyes of God. Or in mine. How about yours?

New Look

2011-02-27T23:09:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone! Welcome to the new look on the blog. After almost three years of blogging, I have a new look thanks to a giveaway I won! I have one small kink I need to smooth out on this blog, but otherwise this is it!

I plan to keep this adoption blog open even though we have already adopted for a few reasons:

1. We may adopt again one day
2. For Xiomara's birthmom, "J". While we haven't shared this blog with her yet, we may in the future.
3. I don't feel like God is finished here yet. Not sure what that means, but I'm following Him on this one.

Feel free to look around while you are here. I've finally added a link to our adoption story, but still need to write it. I also added a contact page for those of you who have questions about our journey. Also, I've slowly been going over my old posts and adding labels to them so you can look up a topic by label.

I think that's it! Hope you enjoy reading and that your life is touched even greater through adoption.

Millions of Miles

2011-02-20T17:36:00.001-06:00

I would have blogged about this earlier had I known, but since I didn't know until now I didn't share until now. However, you still have a few hours left to make a donation. So click the button above for your chance to win a trip, but more importantly to help in the Congo and Haiti! Just $10 is all it takes to help somone in need. The question is, will you help?

What I Want You To Know

2011-02-08T17:40:00.001-06:00

Often adoption can define people.

But I don't want that for Xiomara.

I want Christ to define her, not being adopted.

I want people to look at Xiomara and see her for who she is, not how she came to be.

I long for the day people will introduce us and say, "This is Chris, Vanessa, and their three girls." Right now, I hear, "This is Chris, Vanessa, their two own girls, and this is the girl they adopted."

I don't want people to treat her special or different because she is adopted or because they are afraid to hurt her feelings.

I long for her to be normal in the eyes of others.

For you see in our eyes, adoption does not define who she is. Yes, it is a part of her, but it isn't her. Her past is her past. It doesn't matter if her birthmom did or didn't use drugs or alcohol. It doesn't matter what her birthfather looked like or did. It doesn't matter why she was given up for adoption.

None of that defines her.

Instead, with her adoption came a new life. Adoption is one of the greatest examples of Christ's love for us in human form. He adopts us as His sons and daughters, just as we adopted Xiomara. He doesn't ask questions. He doesn't look for something wrong in each passing momement.

Instead He loved us, took us in, and called us His own. Adoption became part of who we are, but it doesn't define us. He does.

Are you letting adoption define someone you know in your life? Are you looking for them to fail because you have labeled them as adopted?

Break The Silence

2011-01-17T21:40:00.003-06:00

"Our lives begin and end the day we become silent about things that matter"- Martin Luther King, Jr.

She matters. I won't go silent.

Will you?

Prayers for Waverly

2011-01-15T22:19:00.000-06:00

Today while I held my daughter close to me knowing she was mine forever, there was one family holding their daughter Waverly close to them, knowing they have until only tomorrow. Then she will forever be gone.

Forever is a long time when you have had your daughter since birth.

It doesn't matter that she wasn't born to them biologically. She was in ever sense theirs. And their heart hurts tonight and mine does for them.

Will you please join me in praying for them?

Xiomara's Finalization Day

2010-12-30T23:45:00.001-06:00

After a two and a half year wait, the girl that we dreamed of for what seems like forever is officially ours!

The day started out with me trying to get a picture of the three girls together. Yeah, it didn't work too well! :)

Then we went up to the courthouse and waited.

So we took a family picture.

Then we waited some more inside the courtroom.

Finally, in what took all of maybe 10 minutes, our girl that we knew in our heart was ours, was made officially ours.

She was worth every second of heartache, every minute of waiting, every penny spent! If we had to, we would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

And we couldn't be any happier about that! :)

Finalization Day!

2010-12-28T00:48:00.000-06:00

Today is finalization day! Needless to say, I think we aren't the only ones who are excited! :)

We have a court date!

2010-12-23T15:02:00.000-06:00

We have a court date! On December 28, 2010 at 2:15 p.m. Xiomara will become officially ours!!

Although we know she is ours in our hearts, we need the courts to legally tell us so on paper.

What a wonderful Christmas it is in our home! :)

One more step in the process!

2010-12-21T21:51:00.000-06:00

We got the official call today from our placing agency that all went well at the courthouse this morning and that Xiomara's birthfather's rights have been terminated. Praising God!

All that is needed now is for us to finalize her adoption before the end of the year. We don't have that much time, but we are praying that God will help us and find favor with us tomorrow when we go to the courthouse to set a date. Please pray with us!

Thanks all! :)

Happy Birthday "J"!

2010-12-16T11:59:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday to one of the most amazing women and mother's in our lives. We love you. Wish we could celebrate the day with you. We are however celebrating you with our love and prayers all day.

Oh and a special birthday smile from this little girl! :)

Re-thinking How We Think of Birthfathers

2010-12-14T00:49:00.000-06:00

On December 21st our birthfather's rights will be terminated. I know many of you are confused (being as Xiomara is 5 months old), so I'll try to explain. At birth, a birthmom declares and sometimes does (or in our case doesn't) put a father on the birth certificate. If the father consents the adoption, paperwork can be signed right away when the birthmom signs her paperwork. However, in the majority of the cases, a birthfather is not involved in the adoption decision, therefore additional steps have to be taken to get his birth rights terminated.

If a birthmom has declared a father, an attempt to serve him with papers is made. Basically, this means that the sheriff's office will try and get a birthfather to sign papers so that it does not have to be brought to court to terminate. However, in most cases, they can't locate the father to even have him sign (at least according to our placing agency). Thus, it is published in the birthfather's local paper that he has 30 days to contest the adoption or else his rights will be terminated. Thus at the end of the 30 days, if no contest has been made, a court date is set, and on that date a birthfather's rights are terminated.

Which brings us to where we are today. Xiomara's birthfather is voluntarily letting his right to parent her pass. Of course, I'm happy about that because I obviously want her to stay with us, but there is a sadness in my heart as well. It's different than the sadness I have over her birthmom. While her birthmom voluntarily chose to give us Xiomara. Her birthdad is voluntarily choosing to ignore that he fathered her.

I know very little about her birthfather. I know his name, age, and a few other details about him and that is it. Sometimes I think I'm okay with that and that I don't need to know more. I take this attitude of, "He didn't care to know Xiomara, I don't care about him". But then God speaks to my heart and reminds me that is not from Him.

So many times, adoptive parents love and feel so strongly for the birthmom. We send our birthmom letters, gifts, pictures, etc. but we never even acknowledge a birthdad. Of course, many times we can't physically acknowledge him because we don't know who he is or where he lives. But in our minds, we can acknowledge him, but instead we choose to write him off as unimportant in this equation.

Wrong.

So very wrong.

He may not care about your child, or doesn't know your child exists, or even created your child through rape, but none of that gives us a right to hate him. Yes, I said hate. You see, satan has tricked us adoptive parents to think that the birthfathers are worthless, low-lifes, who deserve nothing.

Wrong.

God sees him as anything but all that!

But he hasn't only tricked adoptive parents into this thinking, no he has succeeded into tricking birthfathers themselves into thinking they are worthless, low-lifes, who deserve nothing.

Thus when a person thinks he is a worthless, low-life, who deserves nothing, they act that way. Oh how satan has the victory in this area. Oh how I'd love to see him defeated!

Am I excusing away what or how your birthfather acted? Absolutely not! But I also can't condemn and judge their behavior as I don't know their past. What made him who he is today? It certainly wasn't something positive that did.

So I urge you today to look at your heart and see how you view your child's birthfather. Do you view him with scorn? Rebuke? Anger? Or do you shower God's love on him? Just as God Himself loved him?

5 Months & Blog Direction

2010-12-08T23:06:00.000-06:00

Five months ago today, I was meeting this beautiful little girl for the first time ever! I can still remember the heat, the sights, the sounds, the nerves, and excitement. In fact, much like a woman re-plays her birth over and over in her mind, I find myself re-playing July 8, 2010 in my mind. It almost feels as if I am there waiting once again in the church entryway to meet my daughter for the first time. How in the world could it have already been five months?

I've been spending a lot of time in prayer lately about this blog. Where is the direction to go? What do I even write about? Is anyone still reading?

God has shown me that for now, I am to keep blogging, even if only my mom, husband, and sister read! :) I have a feeling that God is not finished. That more read this than I think. That more are impacted by the God given words than I'll ever know.

Over the last two years this blog has developed from just sharing our adoption journey with friends/family, to sharing information about adoption to those around the world. When Chris and I first talked about the day coming when we had already adopted and what we would do with this blog, we were certain we would turn it into a area to raise funds for families looking to adopt. That is still a dream, but one that we haven't seen God fulfill yet. However, that takes a lot of time, energy, and yes the money to do. Is it impossible? No way! I'm convinced that if God wants it to happen the right people will contact me at the exact right time.

For now though, I keep hearing God whisper to me to share about adoption. The realities, the road to it, tips, the birthparents. There are a few specific things that God has laid on my heart that I want to share in upcoming posts. However, I wanted to know if any of you have questions about adoption? If you do, feel free to leave a comment. If I get no comments, I'll just blog what God has laid on my heart and then wait for Him to direct when I am to write more!

In the meantime, look for some changes on this blog. Sometime ago, I won a blog makeover and was always saving it for this blog. I plan on using it to update this blog and make it so you can find the information you need to about adoption.

I thought of you today

2010-11-26T00:05:00.002-06:00

And wondered if you thought of her.
It was her first holiday celebration afterall.
You missed it.
And it made my heart break wondering if yours was breaking today too.

She rolled from her tummy to her back today for the first time.
She smiled galore.
She laughed.
She didn't eat turkey, but had lots of good warm mama milk.

And inside, I wonder if she knew.
Knew that I was wishing in some odd way that you could be a part of this too.
Her life, this day, everyday.

And then I realized that you are.
You are in her smile.
And her chin is just like yours.
Her eyes often sparkle the same sparkle that I know is in your eyes.

So even if you missed her today.
And even though you will miss her tomorrow.
Know that you are in her.
You gave her life.
You gave her love.
You gave her your heart.

And that is the best thanks we all could ever give you today.

Happy Thanksgiving "J"! We love and thank you for our little Xiomara!!

My Heart On The Matter

2010-11-01T22:32:00.002-05:00

Wow! What a week! Little did I know that one week ago when I posted this article, the world around me would spin. My world would spin.

I've spent the majority of this week answering private facebook messages, emails, comments on my blog about "the post". Many agreed with me and said that I took the words right out of their mouth, others were offended. I've talked this week with those who adopted, were adopted, had adopted family members, or have never adopted. Each one of you responded differently to the article.

First let me get to the heart of the matter and say that I never intended to offend anyone with the post. Instead I believe whole heartedly in adoption and my desire to break down the boundaries. This was written about my family and how we feel. I completely know and understand that others may not feel the same way as us. Each person, whether adopted, not adopted, family members or friends who are adopted/have adopted, has a different story. This was our story.

I think the majority of you were offended over three things. Going in order on my post (not in order of the most offended):

1. That I said race rather than ethnicity. For those of you who were offended, please go look up race and ethnicity in the dictionary. I believe I was correct in using the term race. However, I don't really see it as something to get all worked up about either.

2. That I asked you not to think of us as "special" or Xiomara as "blessed" to have been adopted. We are not any more special than the next person who hasn't adopted just because they have not felt lead to adopt. We also generally get a reaction of sympathy from others when they find out that we have adopted, as if we are somehow saints to adopt. We aren't. It's just what God laid on our hearts. The same goes for her and us being blessed. Please note: I do realize we are blessed to have her, as she is blessed to have us. But to insinuate that we are more blessed than someone who hasn't/wasn't adopted is not what we want people to believe either.

3. That Xiomara does in fact have a better life with us. All I can say to this is that unless you know our birthmom personally, you cannot tell me that she does.

The point of all of this and why I am even addressing this is to make sure you all know that I am not here to offend or debate. In fact a few years ago before we had adopted, I said some of these exact same things to people who had adopted.

Hanging my head in shame...

But, that is the point. I had no idea even though I came from a family with 11, yes 11 adopted siblings! Not to mention the numerous friends who had also adopted. Until I became an adoptive mom, my world changed. You can't begin to imagine what it is like until you have adopted yourself.

One more thing before I end this long post...please don't be afraid to talk about adoption to those of us who have adopted. Just be aware of what you say and how your words sound. I think I can speak not only for myself, but also other adoptive parents when I say that the majority of us are very forgiving if you said something that came across different than you meant. We understand. Remember, we have been on the other side at one point in our lives.

Overall, I just want you to see my heart on the matter. It was pure.

I had a few friends suggest that I write a post about positive stories or things people can say to an adoptive family. I would love, love, love to do that. If any of you who have adopted are reading this, feel free to email, fb me, or comment with your thoughts on this.

Breaking Down the Barriers

2010-10-26T00:47:00.002-05:00

For three months now I've been gracefully trying to figure out how to write this post with tact. I'll be honest and tell you that it isn't easy. Mostly because we are talking about my daughter. But also because I am striving so very hard to break down the barriers of adoption. In fact one of the biggest reasons I haven't just stopped blogging on this blog is because I don't feel like God is finished with it yet and I firmly believe that God wants to open the eyes of those who have never adopted. So if you have never adopted, please open your mind and heart to what I'm about to say.

It began on our way home from Georgia. I noticed the glances in the airport, and the looks of confusion when a white mom brought a dark child to her breast. Even though Xiomara was pretty light-skinned right after birth (something that is very common), people knew she wasn't my birth child. It's not that I want to hide it, but I also don't appreciate the furitive glances and the stares. Now mind you, because my heart is turned towards adoption, I do realize that many times you may be for adoption and just naturally curious. However many, while still for adoption, lack the tact in what to say to an adoptive parent.

The number one thing I get asked is "What is her nationality?" I would love, love, love to be snarky and respond that she is American just like you. However, for the most part I have held my tongue. First of all though, I'd love to correct you and say "You mean her race"? If you are going to have the audacity to ask me that question, at least ask it correctly. But in all seriousness, what does it matter what her nationality is? Or her race? She is but a babe with darker skin than her mama, daddy, and sisters. But the color of her skin doesn't say or define who she is on the inside.

Also, please do not ask me about her birthmom. I have the upmost respect for "J" and it really is none of your business what she is like, how old she is, if she was "clean" in her pregnancy, etc., etc., etc. I could go on and on here with the insensitve and sometimes clueless comments or questions I have gotten about her birthmom. It all comes down to this: It's none of your business. Her past is her past, just like your past is your past. We refuse to define her by her past, and I hope you can too.

Please don't think we are "special" or she is "blessed" to have been adopted. Can I just say right now this one really grates on my nerves. There is nothing "special" about what we did. Xiomara is also no more "blessed" than our other daughters just because she is adopted. Once again, adoption does not define her.

Don't "remind" me of the better life Xiomara has with us. We seem to get this one a lot and it leaves us scratching our heads wondering why you are telling us this? Are you thinking we feel guilty for taking her away from her birthmom? We don't. In fact, "J" gave her to us. Willingly. Was it hard? You bet. Did I feel sad for her? Enormously. But that doesn't change the fact that we have no idea what her life would have been like, except for the fact that whether here or there, she would have been loved.

Which brings up my next point which is a HUGE one. Yes we love her! Just as much as we love our biological daughters. She feels a part of us, because she is a part of us.

At this point many of you may be either:

a. laughing
b. shaking your head in disbelief
c. feeling dumb because you have said one or more of these things to us
d. doing all of the above

We honestly have gotten all of this and more. Let me just say that if you answered c. above, don't feel bad. We've had lots of friends and even our families say some interesting things to us and we realize that a lot of it is ignorance. Thus, we write this post.

The reality is we've only just begun and it sucks. I hate that I'll be fighting for her and these dumb comments the rest of her life. Yet, I love who I am fighting for. I love what I'm fighting for.

Adoption.

I don't plan to stop anytime soon. The barrier has to be broken. And it starts with you.

Would you please do me the favor and pass this on by E-mail, Facebook, or Twitter? More people need to hear this. To understand it!

For more great reading on this subject. Hop over to read about How much did YOUR kid cost?

Dear J,

2010-10-06T22:33:00.001-05:00

Xiomara is three months old today. Three months. Wow! I cannot believe it has been that long already. Yet, it seems like such a short time too. I know you already love her, but you truly would love her if you could just see her today. She has the sweetest personality and is all smiles.

We prayed she would be a baby of full of joy, and she truly has been. Her big sisters are doing well with her. Zoelle still wants to hold her constantly and Meridian just wants to kiss her baby lots.

Her daddy adores her. I know you wanted that for her, so I wanted to make sure I told you that.

And me? I am pretty much smiling from ear to ear constantly. I feel so complete now with her in my arms.

Even though I'm not sure when you will read this letter, or if you ever will I wanted to tell you thanks again for our little angel girl. We love her. It doesn't seem right or enough to end like that, but I'm not sure what more to say to you who gave her more than we could have ever asked for. Thank you!

Financial Update

2010-10-03T23:39:00.001-05:00

I know many of you have been wondering and not sure if you should ask or not, where we ended up financially with this adoption. I've been waiting to post because we do still have one more grant that we are waiting to hear from soon (you all can be in prayer for that).

However, we did want to give a BIG huge praise to God and a thanks to all of you who supported us, and ultimately Xiomara as we were able to raise enough funds through your generous support and through grants to pay for about half of her adoption costs! Praise God!

When we first started this process we felt the Lord telling us to trust Him in providing the money and that He would do it. Even though we didn't get the full amount for her adoption, I truly believe that He can still provide it, even if that means month by month for us. Also if we finalize her adoption this year, I believe we will get the full amount of adoption tax credit, which is $13,170. That would pay off the rest of her adoption. Of course, the adoption tax credit is a little confusing and there is always some question as to if we would get that full amount this year. It also hinges on us finalizing this year, which we are praying we can so that we don't have this debt.

Just wanted to give you all an update and ask for prayers that we continue to trust God to provide for us financially as we finalize this adoption and go forth with God's plans in Xiomara's life.

We are home!!

2010-09-18T14:55:00.002-05:00

I'm sure most of you have seen by now, but surgery is obviously done and it was very successful! The hospital was blocking blogger so I couldn't get on to update you. I could get on to facebook, but I realize not all of you follow me on there.

On Thursday morning, I woke myself and Xiomara up early in order for her last feeding at 6:00 a.m. She had to be done eating breastmilk by 6:15 a.m. and then between 6:15 a.m. and 8:15 a.m. she could have some Pedialyte. I waited as long as I could and at 8:00 a.m. I had Chris feed her the bottle. I don't think she liked it, but it was something for her. She didn't eat again until 3:00 p.m. that day. Nine long hours for her, but much longer for mommy.

Xiomara, my dad, and I had to be at the hospital at 10:15 a.m. I was so thankful for my dad! The hospital was a mess! It's under construction and with me being emotional and nervous, I had no idea what I would have done without him. I definitely felt all your prayers because in our long wait until surgery was to be at 11:45 (which really ended up being about 1 p.m.), Xiomara rarely cried. Instead, she snuggled in to me and slept, or just stared at me like this

The staff at the hospital were truly wonderful and when it came time to hand her over for surgery, I handed a sleeping (non-hysterical) baby girl over and calmly walked away. We then waited! It seemed forever before the doctor came to the waiting room and told me all went well and that Xiomara had done great.

She did have two hernias (one on each side) and so we were very thankful that we had him explore the left side too even though that hernia had not presented itself yet. She also had several cysts on her ovaries that the doctor proceeded to pop. He said, that her ovaries should sustain no damage from the hernias and that her recovery should be smooth. While in the hospital, she was very sleepy

Then, right before we left, she was charming not only me, but also the nurses with her sweet little joy-filled smile

Chris and the girls had a great time of bonding, and playing at the hotel. Meridian did nap really well, but had a hard time at night sleeping as she kept calling for mommy and pointing at the door. Zoelle on the other hand slept 12 hours straight, so I think daddy wore her out! Needless to say, both girls were relieved to have both mom and sister back.

Yesterday, we left the hospital and went to a local zoo for the afternoon before heading home. Overall, I am so glad we got it done now when she is too young to remember, and while her body is able to heal quicker and faster. Thank you friends and family for praying!! It gave me so much peace each time I started to panic, knowing I had others praying for all of us!

The day has arrived

2010-09-16T06:50:00.003-05:00

The day I hoped somehow would never come, has come. Xiomara is sleeping peacefully in my lap after her last feeding and here I am wide awake blogging knowing I could never fall asleep again as my baby is getting surgery.

Would you all please pray. My heart is breaking for her. In two hours, she is going to be extremely hungry and surgery isn't until 11:45 a.m. I'm also just sick of the thought of handing over a hysterical baby to be put under. Would you all just pray that she is peaceful?

My dad will be coming with me to the surgery. Chris will be staying back at the hotel with the girls. Please pray it goes well for them. Meridian had an extremely tough night of sleeping last night (maybe she felt my nerves?) and I am praying she goes right down tonight and stays sleeping for Chris with no problems. This is my first time away from her and her first time going a whole day without nursing. Just pray for Chris to have a fun time with the girls and for them both to be ok without mom for a day and night (Zoelle is pretty nervous about Xiomara having surgery).

Overall, I'm nervous yet know God is with us and that you all will be praying! Thanks so much and we will keep you updated!

One week from today...

2010-09-09T23:08:00.001-05:00

My beautiful baby girl will be getting surgery. After doing lots of research, talking with various friends who are in the medical field, and praying, we felt as if we should do the surgery sooner rather than later. To be honest, I'm not thrilled about it. I'm worried and I'm fairly certain that on the 16th I am going to be a nervous wreck. It's just that I love her so, so much. She is every bit a part of me as the older girls are.

I don't want to see her go under, I don't want to have her cry out in hunger because she can only eat one last time 4 hours before check-in for surgery. I plain old don't want to do surgery! But we have to. Her hernia appears to be getting larger and for the sake of long-term circumstances, we will get surgery.

Please be in prayer for us on that day. Our plan right now is to go down together as a family the night before. We will stay in a hotel that evening and then early Thursday morning, my dad will drive down to meet us. He will be coming with Xiomara and I to the surgery (thank you dad). We decided it will be best to have Chris stay with the older girls and make it as "normal" of a day as possible. They will swim, shop, and hopefully have fun.

I will be spending the night in the hospital with Xiomara. Please pray that Chris and the girls do well without me. Meridian is used to having me tuck her in and nurse her before bed. She is typically NOT happy when I am not there. Pray she is ok without me the whole day, ok?

Pray the surgery is successful and that Xiomara is ok going into it (read: not hysterical before I leave her). Oh and pray I'm not hysterical either.

Thank you all and we will be updating as we go along that day.

Appointment Update

2010-08-30T00:11:00.001-05:00

We are back home! After a weekend away from home, it's good to be home. On Friday was our appointment for Xiomara. It went well. I (Vanessa) took her in while Chris stayed with the other girls. I wish Chris could have been there too as I think it's good to get a "feel" for the doctor from both of us, but for this trip, it wasn't a possibility. I did like him though. He was quick, straight forward, and is allowing me, as her parent to have a voice.

We have two deicisions to make regarding surgery. The first decision is in regards to when we will do surgery. From my understanding, most of the time doctors like to have infants be 6 months old when they have the surgery done. For Xiomara, it would be closer to 7 months as that is her adjusted age (being she was 5 weeks early). If we waited that long, it would be just an outpatient same-day surgery. However, waiting that long brings a risk to her ovary getting damaged as she grows. So the other option is to do it as soon as possible and have her spend the night in the hospital for observation afterwards. Of course, the risk there is in her being so small and being put under.

The second decision we have to make is whether or not to have him open up both sides of her groin to check for a hernia on the left side as well as the visible hernia on the right side. Sometimes, a second hernia is there, but does not show for months or years. This would avoid the trouble of her having surgery once again at a later date. However, there is the chance that it is uneccessary as she may not have a hernia at all on that side.

So, we have some decisions to make and we'd appreciate prayers. I've had some wonderful friends in the medical field to talk with this week who have given me advice I greatly appreciate. I'll be doing my research as well, like I always do, along with praying. Hopefully, we will have an answer soon.

Butterflies in my tummy

2010-08-27T01:22:00.001-05:00

When Xiomara was a few weeks old, during a diaper change one day, I found a lump in her groin. It wasn't until a few days later that I realized the lump was still there and that I better call in to have it looked at. Me being me, I first did my research, and I determind that most likely it was a hernia.

I took her in, we did an ultrasound, and sure enough my little babe has an inguinal hernia. Tomorrow we go to the big city for a consultation with a pediatric surgeon. Surgery. Yes, surgery. I don't like that word. Not when we are talking on my little baby. I'm nervous for her. Even though tomorrow is just the consultation, I have all these crazy butterflies in my tummy. What if it is something bigger than just a hernia? What if the doctor isn't nice? What if something goes wrong in surgery??

Then the sane side of me realizes that 1. inguinal hernias are VERY common 2. this doctor is a trained pediatric surgeon, he knows what he is doing 3. if he doesn't, God does. So, my butterflies lesson a bit, but I would still appreciate prayers.

I love this little girl so much and just want the best for her! By the way, she smiled for the very first time today. I didn't catch it on camera, but it was no doubt a HUGE smile. Her whole entire face just lights up and is beautiful. I fell in love all over again!

A Vision Fulfilled!

2010-08-17T09:51:00.001-05:00

Many of you have been asking me questions as to whether or not the vision we had in our mind of what this baby would look like was correct. I thought it was about time to answer that question. I have also had a few questions about the story behind her name that I would like to answer.

When we had our failed adoption back in March, I was devestated. For you see when I got the call about that baby and that we were chosen, I was told that child would be African American/Hispanic. I got chills knowing that only God could have fulfilled the vision we had of our child. Yet, a few short days later I found out that my African American/Hispanic girl was not a girl, but a boy. Nevertheless, after praying about it, we decided to continue on, trust God and work on figuring out a boy name! As most of you know, that adoption fell thru and I was so sad, yet at peace.

When we got the call about Xiomara, and that we were picked, the first thing running through my mind was, "Please be a girl, please be a girl". It wasn't that we didn't want a boy, it was just that we felt very certain that God had lead us to that vision of a little girl. In fact, I have a picture of a little girl that I cut out of a magazine years ago in which the little girl in the picture was the vision of the girl we were to adopt one day. I won't know until she is older if she looks the same or not, but even if she doesn't, it shows me how strongly God guided us in this process. So is she African American/Hispanic? No, she isn't, at least that we know of. I will be honest and tell you that I was a bit bummed about this at first. However, God showed me very clearly that it did not matter what her race was, but all that mattered was fulfilling His plan to adopt this little girl into our home.

Part of the vision in adopting a girl was the name that God had given us. Xiomara (pronounce See-o-mara) means "prepared for battle". It's such a strong name for such a little girl. Long before we started the adoption process, when we were first married, I was on an adoption message board and came across this name. I instantly fell in love and tucked it away in my mind. Name meanings are very important to us, along with using a unique name. As our adoption journey went on, and we battled to even adopt, it was made clear to us that should we adopt a girl, her name was to be Xiomara. When we first met her, there was no doubt that was/is the name God has given her. Her middle name is Marie after my middle name. I never wanted to use family names. However, God kept drawing us time and time again back to Marie as a middle name. We finally realized why when he showed us that she needed to know that she was now a part of who we are. That she was passed on a family name because we love her that much.

"I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands." -Isaiah 49: 15-16

So yes, God has completed and fulfilled His vision for us and most of all for Xiomara. He did not forget her and nor did He forget us! It's pretty amazing that His final vision is greater and more complete than mine ever could have been!

Xiomara Marie's Birth Story

2010-08-07T00:59:00.001-05:00

Note: I am posting this mainly for Xiomara to read one day. The mundane details may not matter to you, but they possibly will to her one day, so I post them. :) Also, this is a great reflection on how God's hand was in this match and adoption throughout the whole process!

It all begins June 10th. Well technically, it begins in July of 2008, but those of you who have been following and reading this blog for awhile you already know the story up to there. Those of you who don't, and have a TON of time, go read. ;)

On the morning of June 10th, I received a call from our social worker. She had sent me an email about different agencies to promote ourselves to as we had received no potential matches since our failed match in March. We were frustrated, depressed, and knowing that our home study expired in October, we were feeling as if it was never going to happen. Our social worker wanted to know if Chris and I had discussed the change that one of the agencies had made to their contract. We were suppose to have our profile there, but then they changed their policy a bit and we weren't sure we wanted to agree to the new one, so we had not given the ok. Our social worker was calling us just to check and see if we had decided. I told her no, and she urged me to ask Chris about it during the day as the agency had contacted her that morning needing more families to present to their birthmothers. So, I called Chris who was extremely busy, a bit crabby, and promptly told me that there would be no decision made until that evening. Sigh...I figured I would just email our social worker once I got the girls down for a nap and then I would talk to Chris that evening. However, at about 2 p.m. when I was already running late getting Zoelle down for her nap, I received a call from her. I knew she would ask and I was dreading telling her that once again, we hadn't decided yet. She did ask, and I told her that we hadn't decided and would talk that night and let her know in the morning. Her direct answer to me, "Well, I hope Chris is ok with it because they just called me and somehow they didn't listen to me and showed your profile anyway and you are matched!". Talk about crazy! I had to ask her to repeat herself so many times. Then I asked her for details. She didn't have much, but I was shaking so hard and trying to refrain myself from getting too excited as Meridian was napping.

The real kicker here is that later in talking with the social worker from Georgia, I found out that she picked our profile book up from the post office the day she presented it to Xiomara's birthmom. Typically, she looks through them first before presenting them, but on this day she didn't have time. When our birthmom saw the book with the name Chris on it she knew that this was the family for her daughter. She had felt since she found out she was pregnant that a Chris would somehow be involved in this adoption. That in addition to us having siblings who are adopted and from various races really helped her feel comfortable with us. God's hand was in place this whole time.

I spent the next several hours on the phone with my mom, sister, Chris and our social worker. Chris came home that night and we figured that if God orchestrated it, then it was meant to be. You must remember that all along, our prayer has always been that God will bring this child to us and if it's not meant to be, that He would close the doors.

We originally were told a due date of August 9th (our anniversary), but it then got changed to July 9th. She was ultimately born on July 6, estimated to be 5 weeks early, and yet God had His hand on her in that besides being a bit small, she was perfect!

Xiomara's birthmom, J, wanted us to travel either at birth or as close to birth as possible. On July 5th, we had a phone conference in the morning with her. All sounded well, except she felt that her time was soon. I'll admit, we panicked a bit as this is Chris' busiest season with work and my sister was due to give birth at any moment, and I wanted to be there. Again though, God's timing is perfect and that evening I received a call from our social worker saying J was in labor at the hospital soon to deliver our daughter. I cannot begin to describe how awesome it was to receive that call in the middle of the night announcing she was here, along with a picture mail of her. So sweet, so beautiful and I was in love.

Because we wanted to wait until the birthmom signed her papers (12 hours after birth), we did not and could not set up travel until that day. She was born on a Tuesday, and the plan was for J to sign papers on Wednesday and then us travel on Thursday the day Xiomara was to be released from the hospital. However, something happened on Wednesday in that ultimately J did not sign the papers. We prayed about it and still felt from God to travel on Thursday (even though she hadn't signed). So we made quick arrangements for Zoelle, packed our bags, got a pretty decent price on tickets, and after maybe two hours of sleep, left early Thursday morning.

Thursday was a whirlwind of a day! After almost missing our first flight because TSA had an issue with my sound machine, we got to our gate to realize that there had been a mix-up in seating and were it not for that, our plane would have already left! Wow, God is good! It was when we were on the runway waiting for our second plane to take off that I got the text saying "She signed! Praise God". The relief we felt was overwhelming and for the first time ever, I felt myself get a bit excited. We had three plane rides and I was so worried how Meridian would do. However, she was a champ and each person who sat by us was so gracious to us. A coincidence? I think not! She charmed and hammed her way to everyone. Loudly declaring "Hi" and then waving with that toothly grin to each person who was near us. She even napped for most of the last flight.

When we arrived in Georgia, I got Meridian all presentable, fixed my hair/make-up to the best of my ability, and sat nervously by why Chris called the social worker there for directions. We met at a church and I had someone video tape and take pictures of the whole thing. One day, maybe I'll feel comfortable sharing a picture of her birthmom. However, out of respect for her and Xiomara, today is not that day. I will say that she is an amazing and incredible woman. I'm proud of her and the decision she made. The meeting was one in which I am unsure how to describe to someone who has never adopted. It was emotional. I was happy for us, sad for J. I was scared to give my whole heart to her, yet I could feel myself falling in love with her the second I laid eyes on her. And holding her, oh holding that precious gem was incredible! God is so, so good!

One other aspect of our adoption that God has designed ahead of time was the aspect of nursing. It had always been my desire to adoptive breastfeed our child. However, I knew that it would most likely mean that I had to still be nursing Meridian. Looking at His perfect timing, it is incredible. I am still nursing Meridian, but not so much that I feel like I am nursing two infants constantly. Also, Xiomara's birthmom was so encouraged about us breastfeeding and is extremely happy that we can. That makes me happy. It's not perfect as I've still had to supplement some, but overall, God has answered that prayer!

And then it was over and we were left to ourselves. Two emotional adults, one over-tired older babe, and one little babe who cried and cried as she had no idea who we were. My heart broke and I just wanted to go home. Even more so when I found out I had a little niece born to my sister on the same day. However, as disappointed as I am that I wasn't there at her birth, I am reminded that these little girls will grow up together, share secrets together, laugh together, and get in trouble together just like my sister and I did. And my sister, who has been one of our biggest supporters, and myself will get to watch it all take place!

So we crashed in a hotel that night literally not remembering who got up when to help which child. The next morning we drove through some beautiful old plantation country to get to my uncle and aunt's house who live outside of Atlanta. While there, we were able to not only have a place to stay for a week, but also use their kitchen for cooking, and we were able to keep Meridian on a decent nap schedule. It was a huge provision from God to have it all work out that way.

Chris had to go back early for work yet God again worked in this adoption and made it so my dad could come down and stay with me and then help me get back home with two girls. This is perhaps where I am completely amazed at God. We got the call on a Thursday that we were free to go back. We really wanted to leave the next day but being that it was a Friday, we were having problems finding tickets. We found some for somewhat cheap right away, but by the time we went to buy them, they were gone. I was crushed as I didn't want to stay the weekend, but it was looking like unless we wanted to pay $1,000 a ticket, we would have to stay. After lots of searching, we finally found tickets for around $600. We weren't happy about it, but it was basically our only option to get home. My dad went to order them on his computer and I texted some of our closest friends/family to pray. Then I decided to check once more for tickets. Up popped two tickets for cheaper than what we originally saw, plus a shorter flight home. The girls once again did awesome on the way home, even with a sick/over-tired Meridian.

All of this is to share each of the little details that God cares about. He never failed us in our adoption. He still isn't failing us. I am consistently and constantly reminded of His faithfulness over us. I'm reminded of the scripture (from The Message) that says,

"God can do anything, you know-far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, His spirit deeply and gently within us." Ephesians 3:20

And with that I say amen! Yet, we also know that her story is not complete yet. God has beautiful and wonderful things for her and so we await Him to see all He has for her to do for Him.

Thoughts & Prayers

2010-07-27T23:33:00.001-05:00

Sigh...I could never have imagined how good God would be to me in all of this. I need to post a little post about Xiomara's "birth story" which is really how God provided for us the whole way down there and while we were there. But first tonight, I wanted to share a few things.

Thank you for all your prayers for our adjustment! It has gone so smoothly. I don't think it could be any better than it is now. Chris and I are in awe of how easy it has been for Zoelle, Meridian, and us. Praise God.

Secondly, I wanted to ask for your prayers. We will hear from two grants this week, and as I told God last night in the shower, "Lord you have brought Xio to us, now please provide all the money needed and bless us above and beyond what we could imagine. Please let us be shocked at your faithfulness!". I don't want that just because I don't want the debt of this adoption (although that is true too). Instead, I want it to show how He has faithfully provided every step of the way in this adoption, and He will show us that, I know it! We also have one more grant that we can apply for one final time before our adoption is finalized and it is our prayer that God would show us when the proper time is for that, so that we can be accepted.

Lastly, would you all still be praying for "J". I realize that for those of you who have never adopted or adopted an older child, you may be wondering why "we aren't just done with her yet?". It's not that easy and it never will be. She is a part of our life because she is what gave our daughter life. She is struggling right now, not with her decision (as she feels very much so at peace with that). But instead with her emotions. She is sad and I'm sure she will be for the rest of her life. We would appreciate prayers for her.

Thank you all!!

Introducing...

2010-07-20T09:33:00.004-05:00

July 6, 2010 a beautiful little girl was born at 3:37 a.m. Weighing 5 lbs. 14 oz. and 18 ¾ inches long. On July 8, 2010 she joined her forever family as Xiomara Marie. Pronounced See-o-mara

Xiomara means “prepared for battle” and we feel that is an accurate reflection of our adoption journey. Not only that, but it is our hope and our prayer that she would be prepared to battle for the Lord throughout her entire life. She is given the middle name of Marie as that is Vanessa’s middle name and we wanted to pass on to her part of our family as she is now ours.

We are settling into life as a family of 5 and we could not be happier. We hope you will all rejoice with us as the real journey of raising three girls begins now.

The one which I must write...

2010-07-19T18:50:00.001-05:00

I must write this post even if I never publish it. Why? Because this is a side of adoption that I've never heard about. No one ever told me that I would feel extremely guilty as I watched our little girl's birthmom walk away from her forever. No one ever told me that I would cry each night for 10 days wondering if I did the right thing.

So, I think I will post this. The writing is therapy for me, but also I find that one day if someone is adopting, they may come across this post and it may help them in their emotions. So here goes..

Dear J,

I sit here today on day 10 of the revocation period. You have until tonight at midnight to change your mind, but I really don't think you will. On the outside, I'm rejoicing. I love this little girl that you have given me. It took us two years to get her, but she has been my dream for 13 years. She is amazing, beautiful, and perfect. I'm so incredibly grateful that you have given us a third daughter and that you chose to give her life. As I've told you before, I will do my best to be the mama that you wanted her to have.

All of that is on the outside, but on the inside, oh on the inside I hurt. I hurt for you and I hurt for her. For tonight at midnight it becomes final. One last goodbye so to speak. Once that time is over, you can never have her back and from one mama to another, my heart aches for you. I can only imagine the pain that you have today. I know you are doing what is best for her. I hurt for her because she won't ever truly "know" you and I wish somehow she could. But, that just won't happen as she will first and foremost know and feel that I am her mom and you are her birthmom.

In so many ways, it feels like it wasn't suppose to be this way. And in many ways, it wasn't. God didn't originally intend for me to be her mama, but instead you. However, God's ways are always greater than our own and He knew that you could not do it. That you loved her enough to give her away. I want to love her with that same amount of love and I will.

She is beautiful J. On the inside and out, just beautiful. I love her just as much as I love her two big sisters. Together as a family of 5 we feel complete. But, somewhere in Georgia, I know you feel incomplete and I know you always will. And for that I feel guilty and sad. I'm sorry you couldn't raise her. Not sorry that I get to raise her. But still, I'm sorry. I'll love her for always and forever.

So as I hold this precious little girl today in my arms for you, I'll know that you are holding her in your heart. I'll know that you love her. Despite the pain and guilt we are both experiencing, we both love the same little girl and we both will do our best for her. For you, that means giving her to me to raise. And for me, it means cherishing her and loving her as my own. And I will. I will.

Thank you!

With much love,

Vanessa

HOME!

2010-07-17T11:16:00.001-05:00

We are home! Need I say more? Oh wait, I can say I am tired and need some good rest. Working on not getting stressed about housework, laundry, and taking care of three little girls. Instead I'm trying to soak in my happy Zoelle, enjoy the fussy/teething of Meridian, and sleep when my newest daughter sleeps.

I'll check in soon when I can be more coherent!

Homeward Bound

2010-07-15T21:13:00.002-05:00

We got the call today that we are clear to go home! Woohoo! Praising God! If you all remember, I asked for your prayers in getting down here and I'm asking now for your prayers in getting home. Pray for smooth travel and TWO happy girls.

I'm so excited to get home and see my Zoelle. This is the longest I have ever been away from her, and only the second time I ever have. I'm also excited to meet my new niece India who was born July 8th, the same day that we got our baby girl. How fun to have little girl cousins so close in age.

Monday at midnight is when the 10 day waiting period ends and I am praying that all goes well. Please continue to pray for "J". I know that right now she is feeling at peace with her decision, but is also sad. I've been reflecting alot in the last few days and my heart is really aching right along with her. Yet, all the while rejoicing as I have another daughter. Pray for me as my emotions are sort of all over the place. On Tuesday, we will be announcing our new daughter's name and I can't wait. It will feel so real and final then.

Also, if you would all pray that our adjustment period at home is as smooth as can be I'd appreciate it. I'd like to get Meridian back on a schedule as she has been pretty "off" this week on both her emotions and schedule. I also want the transition for Z to go well, so please pray it does. Then there is just the transition of a new baby, laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. that if I start to think of it all, I get overwhelmed. Please just be in prayer for me.

Alright, I'm off now as I have an early flight to catch HOME! Can't wait to introduce this little girl to you all! Thank you for all the prayers and much love!!

Keep Praying!

2010-07-13T12:38:00.001-05:00

Chris is on a plane back to our home. I'm excited that he gets to go home to be with Zoelle. However, I am sad and jealous too as I was really hoping to be on that plane next to him. :( This afternoon my dad will fly in and I'm sure that will bring some special time together with two of his grandaughters. Keep praying for our paperwork to go thru quickly. Yesterday, I was told not until Thursday or Friday. At this point, my only prayer is to not have to wait out the weekend here in Georgia. I just want to be home, together as a family. I miss my Z, Mer misses her and is feeling sick (although a bit better), and I want to meet my new niece and introduce my new babe to our families. Sigh...it's gonna be a long week. Keep praying!

A Call For Prayer

2010-07-11T13:32:00.001-05:00

I thought it was about time to update you all on how things are going. We are having fun just relaxing and enjoying our new little girl. She is doing well and maybe it's just my imagination but she seems to be recognizing our voices and calming when she hears them. We are definitely falling more and more in love. We know it's a risk, but she is well worth it.

We have until Monday, July 19th before we find out if she is ours or not. It will be and has been a long wait, but we are trusting God that this little girl is ours. We did have a phone conference yesterday with the birthmom and she reminded us that she is very at peace with her decision and very happy that this little girl is in our home. From the sound of it, she isn't going to change her mind. Please pray for "J" that she wouldn't change her mind and that she continues to have a peace about her decision.

Meanwhile, last night Meridian slept terrible after a rather fussy day. This morning, we then realized that she either has a cold/fever/runny nose or she is teething. Would you all pray that she gets better soon so that way she isn't so sick and fussy away from home.

Our plan right now is for Chris to go home on Tuesday and my dad will fly down Tuesday to help me with the girls until the ICPC paperwork goes thru so I can leave with the girls. We can leave before the 10 day revocation period is up, but if "J" changes her mind, we are required to bring the baby back down. Our plan is to go home as soon as ICPC goes thru so that way we can just get back to normal. Ideally though, it would be wonderful if on Monday we could get the call that ICPC gave approval and then I could go home with Chris and the girls. Would you all pray that could happen? Also, my dad has to be back by Friday so I am praying that for sure I can fly back no later than Friday so I have help with two little ones in the airport.

I cannot begin to thank you all for your kind words here or on our facebook. We so love and appreciate all of you. I know I've said it before, but without your prayers for us, "J", our family, and this little girl, we could not have done this. Not to mention the financial help so many of have generously given.

We love and appreciate you!

She's with us!

2010-07-09T10:53:00.001-05:00

Our new little girl is with us and we couldn't be happier! :) She was born July 6, 2010 and joined our family July 8, 2010. I'll fill you in on all the details of the trip at a later date, but I do want to say we could feel and love your prayers anymore than we do. It has been a beautiful and perfect trip thus far. Thank you for praying!!

Here is a picture of her for all of you to enjoy.

She is 5 lbs. 14.3 oz. and 18 3/4 inches long. We will share her name when the 10 day revocation period is over.

We are on our way!

2010-07-07T23:24:00.001-05:00

We are busy preparing to travel. Early tomorrow morning we get on a plane to go meet our little girl.

We have a few prayer requests.

1. That all travel would go well. Switching planes, getting the rental car, etc.

2. Tomorrow is a BIG day. We have two plane switches and a few lay overs before we get to our baby. Could you all just pray it would go smoothly, and that Meridian would nap and be a happy traveler!

3. I was a mess tonight saying goodnight to Zoelle. She doesn't understand why she isn't coming and she doesn't understand when we will be home. Please pray for her adjustment to go well and for her to have fun with her Grandma when we are gone.

4. Pray for the meeting with the birthmom to go smoothly. I'm nervous.

5. Please pray for ICPC to go thru quickly. Chris is not sure yet when he will return, but if ICPC would go thru either Monday or Tuesday, he could stay until then and travel home with us.

Thank you all for your love and prayers!! We will keep you updated!

It's a.....

2010-07-06T15:12:00.001-05:00

At 3:37 a.m. a beautiful little girl was born. She was 5lbs. 14oz. I don't have the length. We aren't sharing a name yet as we want to wait the full 10 days, but for now, we have three little girls.

We are still figuring out travel, but it is looking like for Chris' sake the earliest we can leave is Thursday. Pray that we can get cheap flights, and easy travel for all.

Keep praying that God's will be done and that He reign in and thru us.

It's Time!

2010-07-05T23:20:00.001-05:00

This morning we had our third phone conference with our birthmom. It was another wonderful conversation and she confirmed to us that she felt at peace about her decision, and we felt peace about ours.

Then, not a half hour ago, we got a call saying "J" was in labor at the hospital, ready to deliver. It looks as if we will be having a baby either on the 5th or the 6th of July. When the social worker asked if we wanted to get a call when the baby arrived, we said absolutely! So, we are staying up late tonight, making lists, cleaning the house, getting everything prepared!

Our biggest prayer right now is for "J" and the baby. Please pray for a safe and healthy delivery. Also, we are asking for prayers for travel. We still have no idea the logistics of travel at last minute. There is bound to be some stress, and I admit I'm nervous! Then I got a wonderful text from my sister saying, "I sought the Lord & He answered me, He delivered me from all my fears!".

So true and one I am leaning on tonight and in the coming days! Thanks for praying and I'll keep you all updated!

A plea for prayers and help!

2010-06-26T00:45:00.001-05:00

This morning we were able to have another wonderful phone conference with our birthmother. I am constantly amazed at the strength she has to place this child. Over the years, I've met many people who have had a lot of negative things to say about birthmoms, but I told her today that I will ever attribute to anyone, including this child, to thinking anything but the best about her. The love she has for this baby is far greater than I could even imagine. To be willing to give your child away to someone because you know you can't do it on your own, that is love. Sacrifice. Amazing.

As of now, we told her our plan is to come as soon as possible after the birth. She cried. It really is her hearts desire. Yes, we realize we are taking a risk. We don't want to get our hearts broken either. But, at this point, either way if she backs out, they will get hurt. We trust that God will heal them if they do. In the meantime, we are praying for Him to protect us and for this adoption to be completed.

We do have a couple of prayer requests. We had 2 grants tell us this week that they don't have money for us. That was a disappointment for sure. One of those, we can apply for again at any point before finalization. However, we found out tonight that we are getting another grant, which is a huge praise! We don't know the amount yet, but we are praying that God would be faithful in completing what He has called us to. We are NOT giving up hope that He can provide for every last penny for this adoption!!

That brings me to asking for prayers for travel again. We have to fly, we know that much. Our van, which would be the only vehicle we could drive down there is broken and we don't trust it to make it down there and back in one piece. Plus, Chris will have to fly back sooner and doesn't want me driving back alone. We ultimately decided not to take Zoelle. I'm sad about it, but with Chris coming home in a matter of days, she won't be without at least one of us for long.

I'm going to ask shamelessly here that if anyone has any frequent flier miles that they would be willing to donate for this cause, we would so appreciate it! It is looking like plane tickets on short notice could be quite expensive. Of course, God is bigger than that as well, and it is another prayer request that He could provide us with cheap tickets and stress free travel. There are so many logistics to still figure out with the travel, that we need prayer that God would make it all come together.

If any of you are willing to pray, we would so covet your prayers. I have had a few ask how they can help us. Honestly, financially is the best way right now. We truly believe that this adoption should and does not have to be done in debt. Otherwise, just keep praying and keep supporting us.

One more thing: talk to us about the adoption!!! Yes, I do not have a big belly on me, but I am still expecting a baby!! All you lurkers on here, this is you I am talking about. I do have a tracker on here and I know you read, yet you never comment. I treasure each comment and find such encouragement from them. So give me some comment love either on here or in real life! :)

Now, this mama to be is off to bed...

In search of: Clarity

2010-06-22T21:36:00.001-05:00

So many thoughts are swirling thru my mind that I need to come blog to clear my head. Plus it helps you as my friends and family know what you need to pray about.

First of all, last Friday we were able to talk to "J" our birthmom by phone. I'm not going to share much about that phone call except to say that she is really an amazing woman who wants what is best for this baby. I was so nervous going into the phone call, but I left the phone conversation feeling as if it could not have gone any better. After our first jittery nervous laughter was over with we talked and talked. I honestly could have talked to her a lot longer but we all have our lives and had to go. We have another phone conference this Friday, so if you would all be in prayer for that to go just as smoothly, we would appreciate that.

The only request "J" has of us is that if we would trust her enough to be down there for either the birth or right after. We knew going into the phone conversation that if she asked this of us, we would be completely honest. So we were. We told her that we are scared and very nervous about the 10 day revocation time and that we need to pray about it. It is our desire that we be able to give her an answer by this Friday during our phone conference.

Some things you should know about us traveling. We feel very strongly about bringing both girls down with us. For one, I'm still nursing Meridian and 10 days without nursing would be way too hard on both of us. We would like to bring Zoelle with because she is very astute to what is going on and because we want this adjustment to go smoother for her than the adjustment to Meridian went. You should also know that once in Georgia, my Uncle and Aunt have so graciously allowed us to stay at their home. I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief that brings knowing we won't have to pay for a hotel stay. So basically, all we are trying to figure out now is when to travel and how to travel.

Here are the options we have right now:

1. It has always been my prayer that I could be at our adopted child's birth or as soon after as possible. This would be the ideal situation. Thus we would travel probably 24 hours after birth, because at this point the birthmom has at least signed papers. We would then wait the 10 days while ICPC (paperwork between the two states) went thru and for the revocation period to be done. Most likely at some point during those 10 days, Chris and Zoelle would go back home, while a friend would fly down to help me with baby and Meridian. It's too long for Chris to be gone from work thus he'd have to fly back. Risk: Birthmom changes her mind. Pros: We'd be there right away for bonding and I'd be able to breastfeed baby. Cons: We are out time and travel money if she changes her mind.

2. We wait for the 10 day revocation period to be up and then all travel down, do the ICPC paperwork and wait a few days, even weeks for that to go thru, then we go back. Again, depending on how long ICPC takes, Chris and Zoelle would go back earlier. Risk: None. Pros: No money or time is risked. Cons: We miss out on the first days of bonding and me on breastfeeding.

3. This option just came to me today. Meridian and I would travel down right away and wait, followed by just Chris at the end of the 10 day revocation period. However, I'm thinking this option may be out as ICPC cannot begin without Chris there and I would want that paperwork started right away so we didn't have to be away from home any longer than necessary. Risk: Birthmom changes her mind. Pros: We'd be there right away for bonding and I'd be able to breastfeed baby. Cons: We are out time and travel money if she changes her mind.

So far I'm liking option #1 the most and Chris is leaning more towards option #2. I'm thinking option #3 is probably out just because we want to start the paperwork asap!

As far as how to get there, that is a whole different problem. We really don't want to drive. Not with two kids (3 on the way back), 25 hours, and a vehicle that hasn't been the most reliable lately. Our other option is obviously to fly, but everything is so expensive and then I would feel terrible missing out on that money if during the 10 day period she didn't place. I wish money were not a factor, because if it weren't, I'd travel immediately!

Sigh....as you can see we are so conflicted. In every other area of this adoption, we feel peace. However, traveling and when to travel is a sea of confusion. Would you all please pray that God would give us a clear direction on how to travel and when?

Psst...

2010-06-18T19:48:00.002-05:00

I have a secret, except it's not really a secret if I tell you right?? Wanna know what it is?? Sure you do or you wouldn't be reading still right? What's that, you think I'm mean and you want me to get to the point...oh...ok...I suppose I could...

We are matched!! Woohoo! We are being cautiously excited, but it's hard to not allow ourselves to get involved. So to answer some questions.

When is baby due?

We were originally told August 9th, but that info has changed and it most likely will be in mid July.

Where is baby at?

Georgia

Will you travel to get baby?

Yes. This is a HUGE area of prayer. As of now, we don't know how we will get there (air/car) or where we will stay. We'd like to go down altogether as a family and would prefer to fly so that is what we are really asking God for.

Do we know the gender?

Yep, but we aren't sharing until he/she is here..sorry.

Where are you at financially?

God has been so, so, so amazing to us and has really been faithful in providing for this adoption! We still are relying mainly on grants to come thru, but we also know that nothing is impossible with God and that He will see us thru it to completion.

Any specific prayer needs?

1. Travel Arrangements: See above
2. Logistics: In Georgia the birthmom signs 24 hours after birth but then has 10 days (yes 10 days) to change her mind. We need to decide if we risk putting our emotions out there and the traveling expenses before the 10 days are over with. The birthmom would like us there at birth or as close to after birth as possible. We are asking God to guide us and give us a peace and direction.
3. Grants: We have about 5 grants that we are waiting for. Would you please pray that God would do above and beyond what anyone could expect? Also that it would be in the perfect time.
4. Our girls: Z especially had a very hard transition when Meridian was born. Our prayer now would be that the transition for all of us would be completely seamless.
5. The baby: For protection for it now and the birth. Also, our prayer is that this child would be an easy baby/child and that it will bring joy to all those around it.

Think we're crazy?

Who's to say what's impossible? Nothing is with God! And with that I say Amen!

The way rumors start...

2010-06-15T23:31:00.001-05:00

I need to clear up one thing. We are NOT switching agencies. Somehow my post about this was confusing. Instead, we were looking at putting our family profile books in more agencies. We got our home study done with an agency in our town and then they distribute our profile books in other agencies around the United States. Those are the agencies that we were looking for to put our profile book in. Just wanted to clear that up so that way rumors don't get started!

A Big Thank You!

2010-06-10T23:34:00.001-05:00

I would be so completely remiss if I did not come on here and thank my amazing friends and family for uplifting me when I am down. Within minutes of posting my depressing (sorry about that) post last night, I had friends commenting on here, and sending me private emails/messages encouraging me and letting me know they care. As I told one friend, it's honestly all I wanted, just to know that one person, just one, still cared about our adoption.

"But encourage each other every day while it is "today." Help each other so none of you will become hardened because sin has tricked you." Hebrews 3:13

That is what each and everyone of you did for me yesterday and today. You encouraged me and lovingly pointed out to me how God cared more than even I do and that He is still in control. It's what I needed to hear. I've often said that adoption has grown my walk with God more than ever, but at times I have often felt myself becoming hardened by the "game" around me. To see God work thru each of you to touch my spirits was exactly what I needed.

So a big THANK YOU!!

On our own...or so it seems

2010-06-09T22:26:00.001-05:00

The old saying goes "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar". I know it's so true, but often in adoption, I find it hard. Hard to not become bitter. Angry. Jaded. Hard not to spew words of anger when literally that is all I want to do. Yet, it's not truly what I want, nor what God wants me to do. So despite miscommunication and other things that I am not fully happy about, I will just use honey in my words.

Ok..moving on from that now...

We need prayer! Because of said miscommuncation, or lack of communication, we are researching/looking at finding agencies to place our profile book in. We are also completely overwhelmed. It seems like each agency promises to have a "placement within 14 days" or some such thing. We don't know what to do, where to go, and we need Godly direction and wisdom. Please, please, please pray that God would guide us as we look over each agency in the coming days and decide which ones we want our profile books in.

Speaking of profile books...we are also updating those to be more current as our girls are 3 and 1 now. Hopefully, that will "sell" us more. As much as I hate that term, in essence, that is what we are doing.

Overall, I just am feeling discouraged and overwhelmed today. In 4 months, our home study will expire. Realistically, I don't know if we will get matched or placed before then. That does not make me happy. It angers me, saddens me, discourages me and I need prayer!! We need prayer!! For everything!!

Childlike Faith

2010-06-02T00:34:00.001-05:00

Two nights ago I stood in my husband's arms crying. Bawling actually. As I sobbed, I managed to choke out a few sentences. Why have we had to wait this long? I...just..want...to adopt. I don't understand. We just don't have the money. And then our precious little Z, our three year old, upon hearing the words adoption and money came to me and said, "Mom, I have money for the adoption". She then proceeds over to our coin jar and took out 35 cents (a quarter and a dime) and brought them to me with a smile on her face and said, "Here is the money for the adoption mama so you aren't sad". Aww...to have faith like a child again. Yet, I wasn't sad any more and she did put a smile on my face through the tears.

35 cents. That is all it took to change my spirit. My point is, you just never know. What you give may change someone's spirit, someone's outlook on their adoption, their mission, their passion. You just truly don't know. Every little bit counts, every little bit adds up to a bigger bit.

Are you willing to give your $5 to defend adoption? Are you ready to bring a child home? All it takes is $5. I can't wait to see what God can do with the faith of a child.

Impacting the future

2010-05-22T15:30:00.001-05:00

I've hesitated posting this because I know not all are going to agree with me. In fact, many may be offended when it is not my intention to offend. Instead, it is my intention to enlighten you to the needs of adoption. Not just our needs, but many around us. There are hundreds, if not thousands of people in this world who would love to adopt, but one thing stops them

Money

It sucks, but it is the reality. Adoption should not cost as much as it does, but unfortunately it does. I can't stop that and right now, I'm guessing neither can you. However, you can help other ways. You can help in prayer and financially. What's that? You don't have any money to give? I disagree. *Gulp* Again, remember I'm not trying to cause conflict here. But if you can afford to go to Burger King or get your daily cup of coffee at Starbucks, you can give $5 to a family in need. I can't even begin to tell you how many times $5, $10, $15 has been exactly what we needed when we needed it and blessed us in more ways than a bigger amount would have. However, many don't give because they fear $5 isn't enough. After all they say to themselves, "What is my $5 going to do when they need to raise $20,000?". I'll tell you what your $5 is going to do. It's going to give hope to a family who has none. It's going to get the ball rolling when before it was stationary. It's going to impact the life of a child who otherwise never would have been impacted if not for your measly $5. And if everyone of our friends gave $5, $10, $15, we would have enough to pay for our adoption in no time.

What a small sacrifice with a long-lasting reward. Unfortunately, we have found and my friend Courtney has found that people don't see it like that. We are more than willing to give to our churches, our schools, the local scout troop. But to give to adoption- there is too much of a stigma, too much of a risk. How sad that we are willingly throwing away the life of a child out of fear. For isn't that what it is? We have all heard the stories of the Jones family who adopted a child and that child caused them hell. I mean even the Smiths had a child adopted a birth that ended up wild. Why would I be willing to take that risk now. I'll tell you why. Because without you, the Jones family would have never adopted, the Smiths wouldn't have had their baby who ended up wild and we-Chris & Vanessa, wouldn't have the child who God so layed heavily on our hearts. We would have never been able to follow God's will, His plan and purpose, if not for friends, family, and yes complete strangers who have so lovingly believed in God's plan in our life. That our child will be raised in Him and that his/her future will never be the same. Either will yours if you will only take the risk. After all what is $5?

Big breath

Everyone ok? Still here? Still reading? Good. If you felt offended by what I said, I encourage you to search your heart as to why. Normally when I have felt offended by something or someone it is because what was said has truth. And sometimes, the truth just plain ole' hurts. But it's good for us too, thus why I posted. I didn't post this to guilt you into giving to our adoption. No, God is greater than that. He already has it all taken care of whether you give your $5 or not. Instead, I wanted to open your eyes and if I succeeded in doing that, I would encourage you to go here

and give your $5 or whatever amount you feel lead to give. 26 couples who are all adopting will get the money and one couple will get $5,000. Just in case you are wondering, we are not one of those couples as we didn't even know about this during the entry period. Instead, we just have a passion for adoption and want to see as many people as possible not be held back by the money.

For after all you aren't just changing that couples' life, but you are also changing that child's, and yours.

Today I'm Ok

2010-05-19T15:36:00.002-05:00

I thought you would have been here by now but you're not. Today I'm ok with that, tomorrow, I probably won't be. My emotions are like that. I just had dreamed of you celebrating with the girls on their birthday. Of course, you would have probably slept through it in my arms, but at least you would have been here. Snuggled in close, surrounded with those who loved you before you were even home. Since you haven't met us yet, let me tell you a little bit about your family.

Your dad: He is one of the hardest working men I've ever met. I'm so proud of him, yet I don't tell him enough. He goes underappreciated far too often, and I'm constantly working on that. He is extremely handsome. :) If you turn out to be a little girl, you are going to have a crush on him just as your sisters do. If you are a boy, you will respect and look up to him. Whatever you are, I look forward to seeing you rest in your daddy's arms.

Your biggest sister Zoelle: She is three now. All spirit and spunk. She has had a really hard time not being the only child anymore. She often will cry to just be held, or act out just to get a little extra attention. Meridian loves her though and asks for her first thing in the morning. Z is super smart and funny. She often makes us laugh through our frustrations. You are going to love her!

The little big sister Meridian: Mer is one today. She is pretty much the opposite of Z. Quiet and content. Sweet and calm. But, watch out because she has a bit of a temper to her and definitely is exerting her will as she gets older. Mer Mer will be an awesome big sister though and will probably shower you with kisses daily, if not hourly!

And then there is me, your mom: I've dreamed about you since I was 13. I got a Bitty Baby American Doll at that age who had dark skin and God laid it on my heart at that moment that one day, I would have a child who looked like that. I can't wait. Each day, I wake up and wonder if today will be the day.

Hope you enjoyed getting to know us a bit more. I love you little one and look forward to the day someone places you in my arms. We'll be waiting.

Happy (Birth) Mother's Day

2010-05-09T00:58:00.001-05:00

Mother's Day. The day that I think most about our birthmom. Is she pregnant with a little one right now? Is she a teen? A mom already? Is she scared? Sad, but knows she has no other choice?

My heart goes out to her today, on Mother's Day. I can't begin to imagine what she must feel. To know that the little one she carries so tightly in her belly must belong to another. To know that the child she will so lovingly gaze at will be placed in another mom's arms. To be cherished and loved by two moms.

What a blessed mama she is to give the ultimate sacrifice and show the ultimate love for her child through adoption. I am blessed to know her. My husband is blessed to know her. My girls are blessed to know her. And our child will be blessed to have known her. Whether it only be in the womb, or a short glimpse into her tear-stained eyes at birth, our child will know her love.

Happy Mother's Day to our birthmom wherever you may be. We love you and are blessed to call you a part of our family. Thank you for choosing life.

A little insight into adoption...

2010-05-04T22:48:00.001-05:00

I rejoice and exult in hope; I'm steadfast & patient in suffering & tribulation; constant in prayer. Romans 12:12

We received the above verse along with a check in the mail this past week. It was anonymous. Oh how I love "you" anonymous. It's through "you" that God works in my life. He speaks to me through each note, check, or question that one asks me. Thank you for being God in our life (and I hope you all know I don't mean that in a blasphemous way). When we needed it most, "you" followed His prompting and sent it along with the beautiful verse above that reminded me that God is still working in my life, and hopefully in yours.

We were presented with another situation yesterday. I was visiting with someone today who asked me what exactly it means to get presented with a situation. Good question! :) Basically, it means that our social worker either calls or e-mails us and tells us the basics (info about birthmom, baby, state, price, etc.) then most of the time, we literally have hours to decide if we want to be presented or not. That is a BIG decision to make in hours. Seriously, how does one begin to make such a life changing decision like that in mere hours? The only way is through constant prayer. If we don't have peace, we don't present. As hard as it seems sometimes, we trust and pray that God will give us peace with the "right" situation. Please continue to pray for us as we are presented with these situations.

Roller Coaster

2010-04-23T00:36:00.001-05:00

I'm on a roller coaster ride and I want it to stop so that I can get off. Seriously. I am more than ready to be done.

I need prayers. Chris and I have been talking a million times this week, there have been lots of tears, and I've laid my heart out to Chris and God that I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I know I will and I won't give up, but I just need many prayers that God will sustain me in this wait.

We have heard practically nothing from our social worker since our failed adoption. On top of that, we have heard nothing from any grants either. It's like our adoption and grants have gone silent. I'm not liking silent.

Basically our adoption journey has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and I'm not sure how much I can handle anymore. Just pray.

An Open Letter To God

2010-04-14T00:20:00.001-05:00

Dear God,

Sometimes I just don't understand. I don't understand why you have chosen us to be the couple that has to wait forever to adopt. Why did we have to have a failed adoption? Why has it been almost two years and still no babe in our arms?

Sometimes I just don't understand. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I just want to scream.

Sometimes I just want to hold that babe in my arms so badly I can almost feel it. I often dream about the babe Lord. Or even find myself almost mistakenly calling out for the baby while getting ready to go somewhere. As in, "Chris, you have _______ right?".

You do understand how long two years is right Lord? That we don't want to have to go through this another year, but yet feel so strongly in our hearts that we are to keep going until he/she is in our arms? You do understand that each day my heart feels like it is breaking in two waiting?

How much longer God? It's the only thing I really want to know, feel like I need to know. I don't know if my heart can handle much more Lord. I hurt. I want this to be over with. Sigh...I don't know Father...I just don't know.

Please God right now I just need a glimmer, just a glimmer of hope. Anything to know that you still truly care, that we are where you want us to be, and most of all that I can keep doing this.

A year from now I'll watch as my tan little baby takes his/her first steps and know that you had us wait just for him/her and that it was worth every single tear. I'll know that you do restore the years the locusts have eaten. But now, right now, I'm having hard time seeing through the fog.

I'll wait

2010-04-06T23:46:00.001-05:00

Sorry for my long extended absence from blogging here. It's been hard for me to blog as I kept asking myself, "Where do I go from here? What could I possibly say Lord that could help someone?". Nothing new was going on with us, and we still sit here and wait.

As I have mentioned before, the thought of waiting is suffocating at times. I don't like it one bit. Yet I have no choice but to wait on God. I also realize through that waiting that God can and does speak to me. I've relied on Him and trusted Him through this adoption process possibly WAY more than I ever have my whole life. If I hadn't had to wait, God would not have stretched me and grown me into the woman of God I am today.

Sometimes, I look up in the sky and wonder how much more waiting Lord? I dream of this summer holding another baby who doesn't have the same color of skin as I do in my arms, all while watching my older two blonde haired girls splash in the pool. It makes me smile quietly; for one day my dream will be fulfilled. But for now I wait, and ask God to strengthen me in the wait. To fill me with a faith I've never had before. To be real in a way I couldn't possibly ever dream of.

All because I said I'll wait.

1 Week, 1 Day

2010-03-25T15:31:00.001-05:00

I can hardly believe it has been 1 week and 1 day since we found out. It had to be the slowest, and yet fastest week all in one. My mind is still having a hard time grasping how it can be over with so quickly. We got a call last Wednesday at about 1 p.m. saying that "R" was going to sign and congrats, only to be called back about three hours later to hear that it fell through. Life changed in an instant, and just like that, our "child" was gone. Until the day I die, I will pray for "R" and wonder about the baby. With tears in my eyes, and with my heart breaking, I know it is the will of God and that His timing is perfect, but it does still hurt.

Perhaps the hardest thought for me is jumping back into waiting. I hate waiting. I am literally physically sick of waiting. It means ups and downs emotionally, and going days, possibly even weeks without any new news. If I start to think about it too much, I feel suffocated at the thought of how long it could be. If you would all please pray that God could lift that heaviness, I would really appreciate it. It seems so heavy and really hard for me to take at times.

While we wait, I go back to praying for the child that is to be ours, the birthmom, our girls, and us. I pray that God would prepare all of us in every aspect. God obviously has an incredibly special baby just for us and there has to be reasons on why He has us wait even longer. So I pray for God to fulfill in our lives, or the baby, or the birthmom, those reasons.

On Our Hearts

2010-03-19T17:15:00.004-05:00

I remember once reading years ago on a message board a message from a woman who had a failed adoption and how her heart was breaking. I remember asking myself how it could possibly break when the child was never hers? I wasn't being judgemental or critical of her, just questioning how it could be possible. I now know how it is possible.

It's possible because despite trying to guard your heart in adoption, you do dream, you plan, and think of how everything will come together with a new baby in your life. Throughout the day, I often think what it would have been like to see Mer be a big sister, or how Z would have handled a new baby a year after she first got the privledge of being a big sister. I dream of what that baby would look like and I wonder if it is being well taken care of now. Is the baby being loved like it would have been here? So many unanswered questions. Yet, we still have a peace.

As much as I would love to hide in my house and just curl up in a ball and cry, I can't. I have two beautiful little girls who are with me and who need me to still be mama. They make me smile through my tears. How could they not when they look like this?

Even though my heart aches, I have to move on. Moving on is part of the process that I don't really like. I invested so much time, emotion, money (for the letters we sent out), and energy into the last month only to have it all disappear in a one minute phone conversation. The question is how do I move on? How can I start the waiting process all over again? The biggest question is probably going to be how do I ever show excitement again when we do get matched? Do we even tell anyone, or just hide it out of fear of once again a failed adoption?

I have felt so loved with the comments I have gotten on facebook, twitter, message boards, or in real life. Comments of love and understanding of the hurt. My feelings are all over the place. I'm sad, yet at peace with the decision made. I'm excited to find out who God really has for us, and yet I don't want to have to wait again (I'm truly sick of the waiting). I think the biggest feeling I have though is that I don't want people to forget we are adopting. I don't want people to stop asking about it, as if it is taboo. I want to talk about it. I might not want to go into all the details, but I do want to talk.

One thing I do want to say about our adoption right now is a sincere thank you to those who financially supported us. Whether that was years ago, right now, or somewhere in the middle, we have greatly appreciated it. When we sent out this last letter, we did so knowing that even if God chose not to let us adopt that baby, He did have one for us, and any support has provided a way for us to eventually bring our child home. I have had many mention to me that they only could give $20, or $10. Please do not for one minute think of any amount as an only. For it is not an only, instead it is a vessel. A vessel to not only touch our lives and that of our child, but to touch the birthparents, socials workers, legal forces, and those who read my blog who don't even "know" us. So thank you. We are so very sorry that the money could not have gone to this child, but know that it is being put into our adoption fund and that all money is used directly and only for our adoption.

So keep praying and believing with us friends. For one day, we will have completed this journey and be able to share the wonderful news with you that our child is no longer just on our hearts, but in our home.

*Photo of Zoelle, by Ana Cole Photography

At Peace

2010-03-17T18:29:00.001-05:00

It is with saddened, yet at peace hearts that we tell you that our adoption fell through. It is such an odd feeling to be sad yet at peace. It was our prayer though that if this baby was not meant to be ours, that the papers would not be signed and that in it, we would have peace. God answered those prayers and for that we are grateful.

We are also extremely grateful for our wonderful friends and family who all came together to support us in prayer, finances, and uplifting words. Without that, we don't think we could have gotten thru the last 24 hours.

These next few hours, days, weeks will be a challenge for us as we were deeply emotionally involved and are quite shocked about it all. They say that having a failed adoption feels like losing a child. We're not sure if this is what it feels like or not, but we do know that there is still a hole in our family that is waiting to be filled.

We ask that you uphold us in prayer as we are still choosing to move forward with adoption and just know that God has the perfect timing and child for us.

This Is Our Prayer

2010-03-17T13:07:00.001-05:00

Birthmom has not signed yet and from what we know, she is legally able to now that it has been 48 hours from birth. We have a specific prayer request for all of you.

Please pray that if this child is not meant to be ours, that God would stop "R" from signing papers. If this child is meant to be ours, that money, circumstances, etc. would be no object and that she would sign so that we know this is our child.

Thank you for the kind words, encouragement, and love!! We SO appreciate it. We will keep you updated!!

Faith & Prayers

2010-03-16T13:44:00.001-05:00

It's amazing how God works sometimes. Right in the middle of my mom's group (which is a Bible Study at church for mom's) this morning, I got a call from my social worker. I knew when I saw her name on the Caller ID that I needed to answer. So I tried as quietly as possible to do so knowing that something had to be up. I slipped out in the hallway and got the news that the baby (potentially our baby) had been born!

Wow! I was shocked and full of fear and nerves, but then God brought me back to what the talk was about in mom's group and I was reminded to speak life and to trust Him that He is in control. Nothing is too big for Him. Not the timing, not the finances, not the logistics. Nothing! And I WILL keep declaring that for the world to hear!

So, we need prayers. If you could specifically pray for "R" our birthmom that would be great. She has not signed yet. I am praying for God to give her a direction and a peace. Pray for peace for us as well. It's a bit crazy around here as we try to prepare to possibly leave. Pray for the travel plans to fall into place. Most of all, pray for us financially. This all came about MUCH sooner than we thought, but while we are surprised, we know God is not. He can move mountains, and we have chosen to have the faith the size of a mustard seed and believe that He can do anything! Please believe with us and support us in that.

Two little side notes:
*That really is all the info we have on the baby, no gender, weight, etc. was given. However, even though baby was born early, our social worker has stated that she believes baby is healthy.
*For those who have supported us financially, we had a few ask us if any of this money is "at risk" meaning that if the birthmom doesn't go through with this, will we lose any money. The answer is no. If for some reason she doesn't sign, the money that we have will just go towards the adoption of the child God has declared for us.

Partnership

2010-03-15T00:13:00.002-05:00

Dear Family & Friends,

We have been matched! Yes, you have read that correctly; after almost two years of waiting, we have been matched and will soon bring our new baby home!

Not long ago we received a call from our agency with the great news and we are now able to share our news with you.

First and foremost we ask that you pray for this situation. We are in need of major prayers for several things. Please pray for our birthmother. This is an extremely trying time for her and we pray for the Lord’s Peace to be with her during the final days of her pregnancy. She is due at the end of March so this is urgent! We also ask that you pray for our family. Pray that all goes well with bringing baby home and that our family will have an easy adjustment.

We would like to extend a sincere thank you to all of our faithful supporters; all that have prayed for us and/or supported us financially. At this point we know that our adoption is going to cost about $19,000 plus travel expenses. As of right now we have received two grants to help offset this huge cost. One of our grants is for $1,000 while the other amount will not be disclosed to us until we are closer to bringing our baby home. Thus far we have spent about $3,000 relating to our home study. This cost has taken the bulk of our donations, leaving us with less than $2,000 in our adoption savings account. As you can see, at this time we are a long way from achieving our financial goal. We will not worry; however, as this is nothing for the power of God, for perfect love casts out all fear.

We understand that we have asked once before and many of you have already supported us, but due to the circumstances and time frame we are dealing with, we ask for your financial help once more. Please prayerfully consider partnering with us in this adoption! We so strongly feel this as the Lord’s calling on our life and we trust in Him and Him alone that He will soon make it a reality.

“Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.” James 1:27

While there isn’t room in this letter to disclose all of the information regarding our recent match, you can go online and check out our adoption blog at http://onourhearts.blogspot.com/ We will keep this updated as we go along.

Love in Him,

Christopher, Vanessa, Zoelle, & Meridian

Three Under Three!!!

2010-03-11T22:02:00.001-06:00

Yes, you just read that correctly! The post we have been seemingly waiting forever to post, we can now officially post. We are going to be parents to three children under the age of three years old! Woohoo! It will definitely be an adventure, that is for sure. We know you all have questions and we are going to do our best to answer so here we go:

How long have you known?

We have actually known for a little over 3 weeks, but for various reasons, we weren't able to tell until now. So if in the last 3 weeks you have asked us, we have lied! :) Sorry about that. You truly wouldn't believe how many people just happened to ask us these past weeks and it was so hard to keep our mouths shut!

When is the baby due?

End of March

Do you know if it's a boy or girl?

Yes we do, but just as we never found out with our girls, we have chosen to not tell with this baby until he/she is here.

What race is the baby?

We are going to save that story for later.

Where is the baby from?

Texas

How much is it going to cost?

Between $18,000-$19,000 plus travel fees.

Do you have the money financially to adopt?

No, we don't! We will find out soon on how much our Micah Fund grant is giving us, so we will have more of an idea of how much we will need. The rest is all up to God. When we were first called with a match, we were extremely excited, yet also nervous as to how the funds will come together. However, over the last few weeks, God has shown us His faithfulness and His power in providing. We know that He will provide.

Do you have any specific prayer requests?

Yes. Please pray first and foremost for our birthmom R. That she would have peace and direction in this decision. We cannot even begin to imagine the range of emotions she is experiencing and we know that it would be extremely hard. Second of all, pray for ALL things to come together smoothly. Money, travel plans, Meridian sleeping, Zoelle adapting, etc. We just are asking for a supernatural prayer over this adoption.

We will definitely keep you all updated as we go along so keep checking here for updates!

Application Updates

2010-03-08T14:23:00.002-06:00

Thought I would do a quick review of our adoption grant applications for you all so you know where we stand and how to pray.

Micah Fund-We have this one....just waiting to find out the amount given once we are matched. Please pray specifically that we would receive the full amount we asked for.
Match Fund-$1,000
Katelyn's Fund-Re-applied and praying that God would work supernaturally in this so that we can get it.
Gift of Adoption-They finally reviewed our application, but denied us. However, the good news is, we can re-apply 3 times and we definitely will! The only reason they denied us is that we have less than half the cost of the adoption already funded (which would be around $10,000). They like to see that amount before granting us a grant. We are praying for a miracle so that we can re-apply soon!
National Adoption Foundation-This one we have applied for many times and not gotten. However you can keep re-applying many times. Again, praying that God would do a miracle with the adoption and let us get it this month!!
God's Grace Adoption Ministry-This is one we applied for last year and did not receive. We re-applied and are confident that God can and will do a miracle in this!
Orphan Ministry Adoption-This is one that just started in the town we live in. It is through a local church and they will be meeting on March 15th to discuss our application. If you could be in prayer for God to reign, that would be wonderful.

I think that covers all that we can and have done! Phew! Lots of paperwork, but I believe worth it in the end. If you want to pray specifically, could you just pray that God would show favor on us for each grant. That He would lay on the hearts of the people to support us. Lastly, and I hope I'm not sounding selfish here, that He would grant us the maximum amount possible for each grant.

I know some may think we are crazy, and we would too if we were on the other side, but honestly we have such a peace that can only come from God. We also know that He loves the orphan and want to provide for them, and that is what has been laid on our hearts to do. So thank you faithful blog readers and prayer warriors, we appreciate it more than you will probably ever know!!

Why Wouldn't I?

2010-03-07T22:47:00.001-06:00

Tonight my sister Genevieve and I had the opportunity to sing at a concert celebrating adoption. Obviously, adoption is near and dear to my heart. I also know it is to my sister's as well. You see many of you may not realize, but we come from a family that has been touched deeply through adoption. I am the second oldest of soon to be thirteen children. We were just a little family of four (dad, mom, Gen, and myself) and then at eighteen years old, I was no longer the baby as they adopted a sibling set of three. Two years later came six more, and now they are adopting two more.

As I mentioned at the concert, my sibling's adoption is part of the reason we choose to adopt. However, it isn't the main reason, nor the sole reason for us adopting. Years ago God laid on my heart to adopt and I haven't forgotten since. It was as if God spoke directly to me and said, "Why wouldn't you adopt?".

Now I know not everyone is called to adopt, but I do know that God did specifically ask for everyone to help:

Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world. ~James 1: 27

Wow! Hits you pretty hard when it's put that way doesn't it? I know it has me. In fact, I have told Chris numerous times over the last six and a half years of marriage that one day I will set up an adoption fund to help parents just like us. That is something that I know God has laid on my heart in order to help the orphan.

So if you are sitting there on the other side of your computer reading this, I implore you to please think of where you can help in adoption. It may be adopting, it may be in finances, or it may just be in prayer. Any way you help is appreciated by both those adopting and by God who loves those orphans more than anyone else in the whole world.

Faithfulness

2010-03-03T22:10:00.001-06:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking on faithfulness lately. It's probably because of the fact that God has taken my faith and level of trust in Him up to a new level, and in return for my faithfulness, He has shown me His. And even when I fail to be faithful to Him and trust Him, He is still God. A faithful God. It's pretty amazing actually. The stories I could share of the faithfulness of God in this adoption, our personal finances, in our marriage, our children, etc. are absolutely astounding. Literally they leave me in awe of Him and His power.

It is because of His faithfulness that today I can sit here at the computer and know that we will be ok in this adoption. That I have no need to fear anything. For He already has it all covered. I think God is slowly teaching me this over the past two weeks. Two times the Lord has had someone share with me the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea and how it was in His time, the perfect time might I add, that the waters parted so they could cross on dry land. Someone else also shared with me that the Israelites had it all wrong when they praised God after the crossing. They should have praised God before the waters parted knowing that they serve a faithful God.

So today, in spite of any fear or worry I have, I choose to praise God before the adoption happens, before the money comes in. For great is His faithfulness!

Just my heart...

2010-02-24T23:14:00.001-06:00

I have been fighting with God lately. This whole past week I have been a mess. I've been in sin with my worry. It's not that I want to be, it's just that the control is hard to give up. Yet, it isn't really control when I feel anxious and worry either, is it? Seriously I have gone around and around in my mind this week with God. I so want this adoption to work out perfectly. I want to be able to trust God in all aspects of it, but especially the financial part. Yet, I sit here today and struggle doing just that. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I write out my thoughts and feelings (which are a bit jumbled-sorry about that), then I can see how truly ridiculous I am and turn back to completely trusting God! :)

This weekend, I was frantic re-filling out our adoption grant applications. I have officially done all I can possibly do now. There is nothing left. No more grant applications to fill out. So far we know of only two grants we have received. A $1,000 grant and an unknown amount not told to us until match. Yet we know an adoption could cost up to $20,000. We don't have much saved. We just haven't been able to save like we wanted to. Not when we are a young family, with two girls, and trying to follow Dave Ramsey like none other! It seems so unrealistic to me at times, and I'm sure also to others. Yet, is $20,000 really impossible for God? I don't think so. We would not have ever gone forth with this adoption if we did not know that God was leading us to do so, and He was/is. He also told us to watch and see what He would do on the financial end. So why do I still fight trusting Him? Why do I doubt He will do it if He told us He would? I fight because I'm human. I fight because I'm weak and I need Him to lift me up. I fight because I want this and feel that somehow I can do something by fighting.

I'm a complete fool. I know I can't do a thing. I have no way of getting the money. No way of getting this child. Not on my own. I need Him. I need Him to pave the way, to light the path before me. I need Him to take my hand and hold it as I'm scared. To show me that He loves me. That He cares.

Forgive me Lord. All I want God is to give this to You. To no longer fight You, but to realize that the plan is Yours and that You have already taken care of it. When it comes to pass, You will complete it. Hold me while I wait God and continue to strengthen me, to love me, and to have me surrender everything to You!

New Adoption Blog

2010-02-19T20:32:00.002-06:00

Did you all notice over there <------------------- the new little blog button I am sporting. What do I have it for? Well, I found a giveaway online for a new adoption blog design and a giveaway for any blog (not just adoption). How neat right? And I want to win one of them. Why you may ask? Because I really want to reach the world about adoption. I don't want to just adopt and be done. I want to touch lives for adoption. If I can even touch one, I will have succeeded. However, I know in order to do that, image does mean something. Thus, I would love, love, love an adoption blog design makeover. So thanks for letting me break from my "typical" adoption posts to post this! Who knows, maybe you will all be seeing a new design soon! :)

Adopted by God

2010-02-17T18:25:00.001-06:00

I've been quiet and I haven't meant to be. I've just been busy cooking, cleaning, doing laundry (which reminds me I have a load in the washer I need to switch out), taking care of my hubby, and my two girls. When I'm not doing all that, I am blogging on my family blog about life, marriage, my two girls, and I'm venturing into the world of blog reviews and giveaways. I'm having a blast and I cannot even begin to tell you how good God has been to me!! I feel so very blessed and amazed.

Ok, back to this blog and our adoption! This past Sunday, our pastor shared an incredible message on adoption. He basically shared how we are adopted by God. Simple concept right? Like one I should have known and realized long ago. Yet, I haven't really ever thought much about being adopted by God. Sure, I became a Christian at the age of five and I've followed Him ever since, but adopted, no I never thought of Him adopting me. Him choosing me. The passage Pastor picked on Sunday was this:

Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son. Ephesians 1:5 (The Message)

Wow! What a powerful scripture to read. To know that God took pleasure in planning for me, just as I have had the pleasure in planning for our child. That He picked me to be in His family long before I ever accepted Him into my heart. It seems like such a simple concept, yet one that hit me in the face this past week.

I am God's because He chose me to be His. Same as He is choosing a child for us. We do not choose, but God does and it is all designed to be in His timing, His plan. Pretty amazing if you ask me!

Random thoughts from a soon to be adoptive mama

2010-02-05T22:39:00.001-06:00

I wish I had news, but I don't. This adoption seems like a never ending wait. I have stuggled with ups and downs many times during the wait. The other night, Chris and I were sharing with a good friend about our adoption and how hard it has been. At the end of our conversation, I came to the conclusion that God must have wanted to strengthen my faith, my patience, my trust in Him. Because two years (coming up in July) is way longer than I ever thought I'd say we had waited. I look back and sometimes feel like I have wasted two years. On the other hand, I look back and think that if God wouldn't have made me wait this long, there is no way I would have the faith in Him I have today. I have also been able to see some incredible miracles while I wait.

I do have some fears. I fear that those who have supported us are wondering if we are ever going to adopt. Or what happened to their money. I know not all of our supporters read this blog, and so I fear that many think we have given up. We haven't! Which brings me to the fact that I am currently really struggling with how to make this adoption "real" to people. I don't know how to tell people we are adopting. Or if I should bring it up more or not. I don't have a big belly in front of people's faces all the time to remind them that yes we are still adopting. I want people to be just as excited for us as if we were pregnant, yet I find that most people aren't. I'm often sad that my online friends are sometimes the most supportive ones out there constantly asking me about it, or praying for it. All the while, my in real life friends haven't asked or said something in weeks. Oh I know it's not their fault. I think often times no one knows what to say or how to approach it. I just wish they would say something. Anything really. Just to confirm they care, they are excited for us to adopt. Meanwhile, I ask God to help me not to get sad or bitter toward it all. See yet another thing God is working on in me that I otherwise probably wouldn't have gotten to work on. :)

So keep praying dear blog readers. Ask God to show me Him in this wait, however much longer it may be. I really need to see Him through it all!

Thanks and Other News

2010-01-27T14:34:00.001-06:00

How does one begin to say thank you? Thank you for bringing us one step closer to our son/daughter. Thank you for giving us hope when sometimes hope seems lost. Thank you for being an answer to our prayer the night before; literally. I'm not exactly sure how one says thank you for all that. It seems almost too much for someone to do for us: a young married couple trying to follow God's plan in adopting this child of our hearts. Yet someone did do that. Someone, once again, anonymously gave to us. What a blessing! I don't want to say thank you to just that person though because there are more of you out there who can't give financially, yet you continually bless us. Each one of you who pray for us, talk to us about the adoption, give us a hug and tell us you are sorry; we thank you all! If you are reading this post, you have most certainly been a part of bringing our child home. For that, we cannot thank you enough. God has been speaking to my heart this week about being thankful for everything. So I chose to start at home and thank those closest to me. You are a part of that group of people. I love and appreciate each and everyone of you. I look forward to the day that I can post a picture of my child, or introduce you to him/her and with tears in my eyes tell you that it is because of you he/she is in my arms.

In other news, I was able to re-apply for one grant-Katelyn's Fund. So those of you who love to specifically pray, we would appreciate prayers that the work on that one is not in vain. We are still waiting to hear back from National Adoption Foundation (this one I apply for quartely), Gift of Adoption (they keep pushing our review back), and Sophie's Foundation. The rest of our grants to re-apply for have not yet reached a year so we need to wait just a bit longer. Please just pray for favor and that God would open Heaven for us so that all this work is not for nothing. We would appreciate it so very much.

Once again, thank you for being with us on our journey and please don't stop! We need you! I don't know how much longer of a journey we will have, but I'd love to have you along for the ride. Not only to encourage me, but also so that you can see the glory of God when it is all done and that babe is in our arms!

Why not International Adoption?

2010-01-21T23:12:00.002-06:00

If you head on over here to my family blog you can see that, like many of you, Haiti has been on my heart. I've been praying and wondering what I, just a stay at home mom of two little girls, could do to help. So far, God has only told me to keep praying, and I have it on my heart to give too, so I need to talk to my hubby about that. However, Monday morning, not 24 hours after being told that we were not chosen for that baby, our social worker called and asked us if we wanted to adopt from Haiti. We needed an answer right then.

I don't do well making fast decisions. It takes me forever to decide...literally! Unfortunately, my husband is just like me in this area, so together we are s-l-o-w in making decisions. The good thing about that is: we rarely ever make a rash, bad decision. The bad thing about that is: we often miss out on what we were even deciding on in the first place.

I was in the middle of teaching piano when we got the call, so I didn't have much time to think until piano was done. Of course, the mom in me wanted to say yes immediately. All I could think of was the thousands of children orphaned. I pleaded my case to Chris stating that if we didn't adopt, that child would probably end up dead, or at the very least, starving for food and love from a family. Chris in his wisdom told me we needed to think and pray.

Eventually, we came up with the decision of no. Why you may ask? It's not our calling. From the time I was little, I felt whole heartedly called by God to adopt a domestic infant. No matter the cost, God showed me that He would provide. We didn't want to base this decision off of the fact that this child would probably be here soon, and that there would be no dealing with a wait, or decisions. We also have said time and time again, we don't want to have to make decisions based off of money. This was one situation that I was so thankful to God that we are slow decision makers. I was filled with peace and we know we made the right decision.

Perhaps one day we will adopt internationally*, but for now we follow the calling of adopting a domestic infant.

*That my friends is another post altogether because I actually do feel very called to adopt internationally, but God would have to change some MAJOR rules in the country I feel called to.

No one ever told me...

2010-01-20T23:08:00.001-06:00

that adoption would be this hard. It never crossed my mind. At age 13, when I first felt called to adopt, all I understood was that it cost money. Oh if only it only cost money! When Chris and I decided almost 2 (yes I just said 2) years ago to do this, we didn't think we would still be waiting. No one ever told me that adoption cost time. In fact, they said just the opposite. It would be quick. It hasn't been. No one ever told me the decisions we would be faced with. For example, less than 24 hours of learning we would not be getting that baby, we were called about adopting a child from Haiti, and we needed an answer right then (more on that later). Most importantly, no one ever told me that I would lose my heart to adoption. That I would be more passionate about it than I ever thought possible. That I would dream of the day we meet our child. That I would dream of what he/she would look like. Dream of his/her first smile. Or the very first time I can kiss him/her and say "I love you".

No one ever told me that I would be in love with this child of my heart so much that I am willing to endure all of that for however long it takes. Because in the end, it will be worth it when my arms are filled with my beautiful child.

Numb

2010-01-18T10:30:00.002-06:00

The e-mail came.
My heart sank.
She didn't choose us.
She chose the other family.

Tonight, while one family rejoices, I sit here numb. I just wish I could cry. But I have no tears. There are no words to describe how I feel. No words but numb. I don't understand, yet I do. I wish it was us, but it isn't. I'm so happy for the other family, yet I hurt for mine. The worst was having to give the news to my husband. I hate that! I almost cried then. I saw the hurt on his face. The disappointment. For one second, I wished I could lie.

I don't know what else to say. I'm numb, and I just want to cry, but I can't. Please help God!

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

On pins and needles

2010-01-15T16:39:00.001-06:00

We are completely on pins and needles in our household, awaiting an answer. An incredibly sweet friend of mine sent me a text recently that said, "I can't imagine what it's like to think that tomorrow your world could change again". She put it perfectly. Every time that phone rings, I jump up and imagine that this could be it. Every time I sit to go check my e-mail I fear that there is an e-mail from our social worker. I'm convinced that if we are picked, we will get a call. If we aren't-it will be told to us in e-mail.

So we once again wait on pins and needles. All we know now is that the birthmom has our profile and wants a few days to decide. I'm praying that no matter what the outcome, she has peace and clarity with her decision.

So while I wait on pins and needles, I'll pray for her, for the baby, for us, and I'll enjoy my two girls that I have. For God may soon be giving us a third child and I want to cherish each second He gives us with just two.

Be Still My Heart

2010-01-10T16:21:00.001-06:00

I have to restrain myself at times in this adoption process not to get too excited about possible situations. It is so hard to do, but I try to in order that I don't set myself up for disappointment later on. However when I hear from our social worker about a situation that sounds perfect for us, it is extremely hard. I don't want to get my heart involved, yet I do. I want to be excited for the possibility of what could be, yet I don't. For if I get involved and get excited, I might end up hurt. I don't want to hurt in this adoption process, yet I know it is not without tears. So today I ask for prayers. That God would guard my heart. That He would give me peace. That He would be in control of this situation.

Be Still My Heart!

Trepidation

2010-01-06T23:01:00.001-06:00

Tonight I am filled with trepidation. The girls are in bed, Chris is shoveling snow (an extra job he got this winter to pay the bills), and I sit here doing basically nothing. Oh I could be doing something, but I'm scared; full of trepidation.

You see I know that eventually I need to pull out of my file cabinet the folder marked Adoption. In that folder I will find letter after letter of denial for various adoption grants that we applied for last year. Being that it has been a year (a place we never thought we would ever get to in this adoption journey), it is time for me to re-apply. I'm filled with trepidation though because it is a TON of work. Last year it was work with just one toddler. This year I have an active, crawling seven month old and a spirited two and a half year old. I'm one of those people who likes to sit down and get the job done all in one setting without interruption. Obviously not going to happen in this house, not right now anyway. But I need to bite the bullet and do it as I know it can help our adoption. Yet fear of doing all that work just to get rejected again is gnawing at me.

I come to you, once again to ask for prayers. Could you all please pray that I can get over this fear and just give it all to God. Of course, I also wouldn't mind you asking God to make all this work worth something. :)

Sometime I ask myself where my faith went? Remember this post? I want that little girl back in me and to live confidently and not with trepidation! Please pray!

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T15:59:00.001-06:00

Happy New Year to all our faithful blog readers. I can truly say that Chris and I are hoping and praying more than ever that this is the year our baby comes home.

Just a minute ago I checked out Chris' facebook. On it he had posted: "2010 should prove to be a great year as I look forward to welcoming my new baby home.". It brought tears to my eyes as I know how badly we both want that and are hoping and praying that this is the year.

We spent some time last night talking together about this past year and about our upcoming year. The thing we kept saying over and over is that we pray we don't have to wait much longer. For we never thought that we would be waiting this long in the first place.

So Happy New Year and may this be the year in which we have joyous news for you all!

Prayers and blessings on you all!

The Notebook

2009-12-23T16:58:00.001-06:00

Recently I met with a dear friend of mine who has so encouraged me and blessed me over the years. At the very end of our meeting, she handed me a notebook. She shared with me that this notebook was to be used to write letters, scripture, praise songs, or anything that came to mind that helps us as we journey along in our adoption. No matter how long it is.

My very first entry in it was today and this is what I said:

Dear ___,

Today it is 2 days before Christmas. My arms so ache to hold you. I honestly thought I would have had you by now.

I often wonder if you are born yet. Or if you have even been conceived. I have so many questions yet unanswered. The joy I will have in calling you mine will be unspeakable!

I pray for God to hold you close this Christmas and next year it will be my turn to hold you!

I love you,

Mama

Thank you dear friend for acknowledging that this child is ours long before it comes into our home. I had a journal for each of my girls pregnancies and I've always wanted to be able to pass along a journal to this baby as well.

Thank You

2009-12-15T22:56:00.000-06:00

To the person who sent us an anonymous check! Once again, I'm not sure if you are the same person/people or not. I don't need to know though. All I know is that you are following God's leading and He is continually showing us that He cares about us through the anonymous giving.

Blessings!

dis·ap·point·ment

2009-12-12T14:01:00.002-06:00

NOUN:

1.
a. The act of disappointing.
b. The condition or feeling of being disappointed.
2. One that disappoints.

Today I have disappointment. Yesterday morning we got a phone call from our social worker about a situation. As I found out more and more details about the situation, I could not help but be excited. The baby was to be born Monday (yes, this next Monday) and we were going to be there and be involved from the minute the baby was born. I spent the majority of my day talking on the phone yesterday to two different social workers and then hanging up with them to then call my husband. Talk about emotional exhaustion!

At 8:30 last night we got the final call-they chose the other family, not us. What major disappointment! Oh how Chris and I tried to guard our hearts knowing that this could be the result. However, it is human nature to want to bond with the situation as this baby could have been ours. In our eyes, this sitution seemed perfect. However, in God's it must not have been.

While I do have disappointment today, I also know that I am not without hope. He still guides and reigns in this adoption. He has THE perfect baby for us. We just again have to wait.

I choose to wait in hope...not disappointment!

Grants & Prayers

2009-12-09T15:48:00.001-06:00

At this point in our adoption process, it really is a waiting game. Since we are waiting, there never is a whole lot to update you on. However, I still am doing my best on trying to update at least once a week. Often I just ask God to guide me and show me what He wants me to say.

This week, I just wanted to ask for your prayers. More on that in a bit.

An aquintance of mine who just adopted shared with us a new grant that they had applied for and received. We just filled out that paperwork the other night and hopefully today Chris remembered to go get it notorized. Here is where your prayers come in. We would, of course, love to receive this grant. Will you pray with us that we do? Any additional help in our adoption would give us a bit more peace of mind in saying "yes" to situations. Of course, we know that God in His awesomeness can provide for this adoption completely with or without this grant. However, I also know that we are needing some more peace right now on the finance end of the adoption. Maybe God has a different idea of how to show us that peace. Either way, just pray for us, okay? :)

Oh and if you remember from way back-we do still have 2 grants that we are waiting to hear on. The one, we can apply for every quarter (which we have done). If we don't hear back from them, that means we didn't get picked. I am praying that the third time is the charm as this is our third time applying and I honestly just want to be done with it! The other one is the grant that they are very particular on when they review your application. Meaning, unless you have been picked, they don't review you. I'm praying for patience and the right timing on that one.

Otherwise, we are coming up on a year later for many of these grants which means that we can re-apply for them. Pray that I have the time to do that, because if you remember, it was a TON of paperwork. That wasn't so hard to do with one babe, but with two little ones at home, my time is precious.

Blessings to all of you and we so appreciate and love the prayers, encouragment, and love you give to us!

It's Not Fair

2009-11-27T14:48:00.006-06:00

Today I'm feeling melancholy concerning our adoption. I am so very happy when I hear that others have been able to adopt, yet it is my human nature to automatically feel a little down for myself.

It's not fair:

*that money talks
*that we don't have the funds to automatically say yes to any situation
*that we aren't as "marketable" because we already have a little babe at home.
*that we have it so strongly on our hearts to adopt, yet nothing has happened
*that we have been waiting a year and a half now

In the back on my mind, I know that God has the perfect plan and the perfect child waiting just for us. But today, I just want to scream, cry and shout that it is not fair!